There are certain things everyone knows about Michael Jordan.
He is arguably the most gifted athlete to ever participate in professional sports.
His levels of competitiveness and confidence are unmatched, on and off the court.
And Michael Jordan LOVES to gamble.
He loves to bet. He loves to win. That said, His Airness can’t possibly emerge victorious from what I believe is his latest wager. He’s gambling on his ability, not as an athlete but as a pitchman, a man of influence.
Remember early in his career when Michael found himself staring down premature male pattern baldness? This was not going to work. Michael Jordan need only look to his own team’s bench at teammate Granville Waiters to know that certainly, that look was not going to fly. Michael Jordan was not about to sport the Danny DeVito, the Larry David or the Mel Cooley, much less the Larry Fine, the Anthony Geary “I think I’ll just perm it to create the illusion of fullness” or the Donald Trump “combover” that the ladies love so much. And don’t even think about the William Shatner. No, Michael Jordan had to truly go where no man had gone before. Michael Jordan had to blaze his own trail. How about this? Thought Jordan. I’ll just shave it all off. Yeah, that’s it. I want to be bald! I like it this way. It’s better to have no hair. Sure, it’s been tried before, but nobody would ever call Telly Savalas, Curly Neal, or Scatman Corothers, one who sets the standard for hipness.
Michael made the move and lo and behold, it was chic to be hairless. Men everywhere were busting out the razors, be they balding or not. Michael Jordan made being bald a symbol of that which is cool.
Some twenty five years later, he’s at it again. And this time he’s taken on a Herculean task. I’m thinking it went down something like this. After an uninspiring round of golf or game of poker with pals, Jordan put his skills on the line. “If I can get people to embrace baldness, I can get them to support any fashion style, just by doing it myself. Go ahead, name it. Anything! “How about hot pants for men?” thought one. Nah, Devo hats? No. Too easy. How about tank tops and back hair? Michael scoffed. That would not even be a challenge. “I’ve got it!” Said Jordan. A Hitler mustache! I’m so influential that I can even get people to don the Nazi cookie duster. Within days, this will sweep the nation faster than the surfing bird, and Michael Jordan will Hail the victory as they all exclaim “Sieg Heil!” ironically transforming air Jordan, the man who redefined baldness, to “Herr Jordan.” Perhaps a Hogan's heroes remake is in the offing, with Jordan as Col Hogan, Scottie Pippen as Newkirk, Dennis Rodman as the always wacky "Andrew Carter, Charles Barkley as Colonel Klink, and Jerry Krause as General Burkhalter. This could be the biggest thing since the Honeymooners starring Cedric the Entertainer! I’ve got a Hanes commercial coming up. I’ll launch the new look there!
To Michael’s chagrin, and perhaps our relief, Michael Jordan appears to have lost this one. Since the Hanes ads began a few months back, the Hitler Stache has not caught fire. Perhaps it’s symbolic. Maybe this new breed of Bull has captured our hearts and our garnered our undivided attention. Doubtful the Joakim Noah “bun on the top” look will become a sensation anytime soon, but if suddenly Derrek Rose showed up with wooden shoes and a pointy hat, I wouldn’t be surprised to see an entire nation “go Dutch”
And I wouldn’t bet against it.
I’m Skip Parker, and I’m just being frank
auf wiedersehen!
