Jokes. I love ‘em. Whether it’s from someone’s act or just one of those old “street jokes” we hear from a friend. I can surely appreciate a well crafted joke. That said, I am known to equally hate the bad ones, the poorly constructed, devoid of foundation, hole filled attempts at comedy that make you wonder how this one has survived long enough to reach you. I certainly understand that the ridiculous is often employed when a joke is told and there is certain license allowed for such things. Most of the time, I just move on and hope to never hear them again, but some are so god awful that I just can’t let go. The following is one that I probably heard first when I was in second or third grade, and I thought it was funny at the time. It’s a sports joke and features the old “insert bad baseball team here” I’m certain it’s been told millions of times using one team or another. I now wish to pick it apart for your enjoyment as well as my own. I know it’s just a joke, but this crime can no longer go unpunished. Here it is:
Heard over the public address at Wrigley Field: “Will the lady with the nine lost children please come pick them up. They’re beating the Cubs eleven to nothing.”
Okay, where to start? There is a lady who brought nine children to Wrigley Field, and she lost them. She lost all of them! All nine kids! She must have reported this to someone or the PA announcer would not have known that a “lady” had lost her nine children. Now, how much time do you think had passed before these nine kids were discovered on the field playing against the Cubs? At least long enough for them to rack up eleven runs. These kids got onto the field and played an undetermined period of time against the Cubs and scored eleven times before anyone noticed that this was going on? Who let them onto the field? Where was the team that the Cubs were supposed to be playing? Where were the umpires? Did they call the balls and strikes? Did the scoreboard operator record the tallies as these children had their way with the Chicago Cubs? Did all the kids have gloves? Did they have bats? Where did they get bats? How did the crowd react to this? Why did the Cubs engage these missing children in a game of baseball when they had another game scheduled? Why did this lady bring nine children to a game? How did they all get away? All of them! She wasn’t able to keep even one in sight? Why did it take the PA announcer to call to her attention to the fact that these kids were on the field and beating the Cubs 11-0? Are they all her kids? How can a woman stupid enough to lose sight of every one of nine kids afford ten tickets to a major league baseball game? How did she get these kids to the game? Did the radio and TV announcers call the play by play? Did any of them during the broadcast say, “Hey why do you suppose the Cubs are playing against nine children out there instead of the Padres?” At one point did they have to say, “We go now to the bottom of the third. The missing children six, the Cubs nothing.” Did the Cubs manager have to make calls to the bullpen as these youngsters feasted on Cubs pitching? Did anyone wonder at anytime during this curious exhibition when the actual game would start? What would happen if one of the nine kids were to be injured? Was there another missing child somewhere that could serve as a replacement or would these kids who have built up a healthy lead of eleven runs, have to forfeit? How horrible for them should that happen. I just wonder how this story could be true. Then again, it’s just a joke and yes, the worst joke ever.
