tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10038589859009722962024-03-13T03:59:17.726-07:00Mike Toomey ExperienceMike Toomeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12726387932580513966noreply@blogger.comBlogger17125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1003858985900972296.post-61411777060717292612013-02-01T12:33:00.003-08:002013-02-01T12:33:53.718-08:00Horse Meat! HORSE MEAT!<br />
<br />
Well, by now we've all heard the story of Burger King and horse meat. If not, here's the story:<br />
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<span lang="EN" style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span><o:p><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/01/31/burger-king-horsemeat-admits-tainted_n_2593538.html">http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/01/31/burger-king-horsemeat-admits-tainted_n_2593538.html</a></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p><span style="color: black;">The jokes are too easy. And what better way to commemorate this event than with a song parody? The song, is taken from the 1973 hit single recorded by Cher entitled "Half Breed" Here's the video:</span></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FQQOT453sGk">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FQQOT453sGk</a> <span style="color: black;">just in case you'd like to sing along.</span></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p><span style="color: black;">So if you're quite ready, I give you...HORSE MEAT!</span></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p><span style="color: black; font-size: small;">
</span><b><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Horse Meat</span></b></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I took my family down to Burger King</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I soon found out that they serve everything<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The guy in front of me said excuse me please<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I’d like to order up a Trigger with cheese.</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br />
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<i>[</i></span><i><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Chorus</span></i><i><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">:]</span></i><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> <br />
</span><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Horse meat! cook it in
a croc pot.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Horse meat!</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">
</span><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">With a side of tater
tots.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Horse meat!</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">
</span><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">you’re sure to get the
trots<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">
</span><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">get them while they’re
hot cause they won’t be there fur-long!</span></div>
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<span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span> </div>
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<span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The friendly server
said “Have it your way”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I checked my order and I said “Neigh neigh” </span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">This isn’t hamburger, for goodness sakes</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">
</span><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">My whopper junior won the
Belmont stakes</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br />
<br />
</span><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Horse meat!</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Try the filly steak.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Horse meat!</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">
</span><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">It will make your
belly ache<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">
</span><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Horse meat! Try a sea biscuit with egg<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">
</span><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Take it home and serve it up with Colt 45!</span></div>
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</span></div>
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<span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I told them thank you, but I just can’t stay. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Said Hi-O Silver and I turned away.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I lost my appetite, I left unfed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">
</span><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">All I could think about was MR. ED!!!</span></div>
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<span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span> </div>
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<span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Horse meat!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I got double
crossed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Horse meat!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>cause I
gambled and I lost<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Horse meat!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>topped with
horsey sauce.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Horse meat’s down at Burger King so Giddy up go!!!!!!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span><span style="color: #c00000; font-size: 16pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #c00000; font-size: 16pt;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></span></div>
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Mike Toomeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12726387932580513966noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1003858985900972296.post-31097348648959631272012-12-23T14:03:00.000-08:002012-12-23T14:15:56.063-08:00 Yes Virginia, There Is A Santa Claus - By Skip Parker<br />
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This blog was written in response to a letter written to Skip Parker just before Christmas, 2011. <br />
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<td style="background-color: transparent; border: rgb(0, 0, 0); padding: 0in; width: 538.8pt;" width="718"><span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">"DEAR Skip: <br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some people are saying some crazy
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">things and </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">it's really testing my faith. Please </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">tell me the </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">truth; </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">is
there a Santa Claus?<br />
"VIRGINIA O'HANLON - "Lombard, Illinois."<br />
<br />
VIRGINIA, I'm afraid that you, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">like so many of </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">us have been affected by
the </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">skepticism of a </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">skeptical age. Sadly so many </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">of us believe </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">only in
what we can see. <br />
<br />
Yes, VIRGINIA, there is a Santa </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Claus. He exists </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">as certainly as love and
generosity </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">exist; He </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">exists in the kindness of strangers </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">and the
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">unexpected gifts that life joyfully </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">drops in our </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">laps each day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Take for instance </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">the maniacal </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">driver
who honks furiously and </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">flips us the finger </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">for driving too slowly on a
snow </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">covered highway.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">As you pass
him moments later while </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">his car sits </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">facing the wrong way in a ditch, up
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">to his </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">windshield in snow, tell me there's </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">no Santa Claus.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How about the rude </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">and impatient
shopper who cuts </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">in front of </span><span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">you in line only to find </span><span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">himself </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">stuck
behind </span><span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Estelle Getty with a </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">change purse full of expired coupons, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">who then
attempts to pay with a check </span><span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">from </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">the first national bank of the
confederate </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">union... while a new checkout aisle </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">magically </span><span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">opens up for
you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He lives Virgina,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"> He
lives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Did you ever open
your six piece </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">McNuggets and </span><span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">find that inside there were seven?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Santa Claus:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Alive and Well.</span><span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">How about when the
obnoxious </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">co-worker gets the promotion that you were </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">hoping for and two </span><span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">months later they eliminate </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">the position and he's </span><span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">gone. What's that?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">I think I hear Santa Claus!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Remember the pretty
cheerleader in high </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">school </span><span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">that wouldn't give you the time of day?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You </span><span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">run in to her at Wal Mart and she's
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">gained roughly </span><span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">two hundred pounds and in twenty </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">years, has gone </span><span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">from
homecoming queen... </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">to homecoming float? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Jingle Jingle! I believe that’s
Kris Kringle!<br />
<br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Though we may not actually see
Santa Claus, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">it is no sign that he isn't there. The most </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">real things in
the world are those that neither </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">children nor men can see. Like the
boogey man, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">the smart aleck youngster that supposedly told </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Bozo to
"cram it" and the kid who lost an eye </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">from someone shooting
rubber bands.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Santa Claus lives
and he lives forever. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">As sure </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">as the bully who makes fun of the sickly
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">geek for throwing up in class...then ends up </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">puking himself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He lives indeed. A thousand </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">years from
now, he will continue to make glad </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">the heart of childhood and </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">the child
in us all.</span><span style="font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></td>
</tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span><br /></div>
</td>
<td style="background-color: transparent; border: rgb(0, 0, 0); padding: 0in; width: 7.5pt;" width="10"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
</tr>
</tbody></table>
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<span style="font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span><br /></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr style="height: 7.5pt; mso-yfti-irow: 1; mso-yfti-lastrow: yes;">
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Mike Toomeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12726387932580513966noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1003858985900972296.post-59931357488736049102012-08-08T20:10:00.003-07:002012-08-08T20:12:03.176-07:00Ode to Randy Travis:<br />
<br />
I'm sure by now we've all heard the story about country music star Randy Travis<br />
and his drunken adventure. The following parody song, to the tune of Travis' hit<br />
single "I'm Gonna Love You Forever" is not so much to make fun of him, but to<br />
state the facts of the story to one of his own ditties.<br />
<br />
You may think that I'm drunk and foolish. <br />
Passed OUT naked in my Trans Am. <br />
But officer please, when the media sees, they won't understand that's just the way that I am. <br />
I'm just a hillbilly singer. I don't know when I've had enough. <br />
If you look you will find, that I drink 'til I'm blind. <br />
and then I write a song that the hillbillies love. (and baby) <br />
I'll be a redneck forever. Forever and ever, amen. <br />
I'll get hammered at the bar and when the cops find my car, <br />
I'll threaten to shoot them if they try to run me in. <br />
You may wonder why I'm such a dumbass. <br />
I'll be happy to tell you again. <br />
I'm just a redneck. A hillbilly redneck. <br />
Forever and ever....AY-HAY-EE-AY----MEN!Mike Toomeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12726387932580513966noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1003858985900972296.post-43803658028211826462012-06-04T10:42:00.000-07:002012-06-04T10:42:59.268-07:00<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: 20pt; line-height: 115%;">Class of 2012:<span style="color: #c00000;"> <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span><span style="color: #c00000; font-size: 48pt; line-height: 115%;">SI-LUTE!!!</span><span style="font-size: 48pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 22pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Over the
weekend, I attended the High School graduation of my son Casey. A milestone for
him, and for me…another reminder of my rapidly advancing age.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As friends and family packed themselves into
the gymnasium for this event, we settled into our seats and anxiously awaited
the festivities to come.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I knew that
over the next hour or so, my mind would run the gamut of emotions; pride,
sadness, elation, etc… I just didn’t think that “pissed off” would be one of
them.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 22pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I will say
that I am overly sensitive to crowds that don’t know how to conduct themselves,
but generally those that I occasionally deal with are in places where alcohol
plays a prominent role in the behavior of those in attendance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t like it, but I guess I
understand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 22pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The first to
speak was the school’s principal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s
early in the game and I’m already set to blow a gasket as the attendees are
carrying on their high volume conversations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Having all too often been on the receiving end of this type of greeting,
I find that my patience is already at zero.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“Hey!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There’s a person up there
talking!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What the hell is it going to
take to get some fucking focus?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What the
hell do you have to blab about that’s more important than what’s being said on
that platform?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are here for a
graduation, right? Shut your hole and respect the fact that a human being is on
that stage because your child/friend/relative/whatever is graduating High
School!”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 22pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Ok, it
quiets down just in time for a very important announcement: “Please hold your
applause until all the graduates have been announced, and please refrain from
using any loud horn like devices (sad that this even needs to be said) so that
each graduate can be given their due respect and that their name can be heard.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 22pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">And we’re
off.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The names are being called
alphabetically and people are relatively quiet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We’re still in the A’s.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Little by
little, the attention challenged contingent starts to break the rules a bit and by
the time we’ve reached the D’s, it seems that more than half of the names
mentioned are greeted with assorted hoots, hollers and the ever classy
imitations of a dog barking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We get mid
alphabet and it’s as if there were no rules at all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The air horns are now being blown after
select mentions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One in particular so deafening
that it actually evoked response from the crowd, yes LAUGHTER!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Huge laughs for this “comical” stunt.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 22pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“Aint that
hilarious?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Jim Bob done blew a horn when
they gradumated the fruit of his loins” YEE-HAH!!!!!!!!!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let’s have a hoe down!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m might tempted to do a do si do with my
sister right here in the gym-nay-zeem!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Get out the white lightnin’ Charlotte, we gonna have a di-ploma in our
house!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 22pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Where the
hell am I, a monster truck rally?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why is
this now acceptable behavior?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How far
have we come as a society that a moment of academic fulfillment is rewarded by
howling, barking, and fucking air horns?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Not only is it inappropriate, backwoods and embarrassing, IT WAS
SPECIFICALLY STATED AT THE OUTSET THAT IT WAS NOT PERMITTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 22pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Maybe if
Boss Hog had grabbed his bullhorn and let the townfolk know that blowing them
there noisemakers would be more welcome than a pig in shit, I’d have no reason
to complain, but God Damn it, they asked you to keep it quiet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How about the family of the kid whose name
didn’t get heard because Uncle Vester thought it best to launch his rafter
rattling air raid warning loud enough for six counties to hear?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How about them?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Does that kid matter?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think he does.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think celebrating is just fine, but my thought
would be to wait until you get back to the cabin and then shoot the bottle
rocket out of your penis, Buford.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
think they sell dictionaries at the dollar store.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’d be happy to spring for one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then you can look up the words “respect” and “reverence”
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 22pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Then again,
maybe I’m wrong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe I need to embrace
the direction our society is heading.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Maybe next year, we get Larry The Cable Guy as a keynote speaker.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe the valedictorian can light a fart to
signify the start of the battle of the air horns.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This all sounds like fun.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But before we can commence with the
commencement, our young uns gots to <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 22pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">GIT ‘R
DONE!!!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 22pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">***this
obviously was not intended to offend anyone but the guilty.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You know who you are.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br /></div>Mike Toomeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12726387932580513966noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1003858985900972296.post-27750710823072349752012-01-05T08:44:00.000-08:002012-01-05T08:45:45.407-08:00So Long, Carlos.<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 24pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">So Carlos Zambrano is gone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Traded to the Miami Marlins.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And Cubs fans feel…how???</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 24pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’m picking up on a whole lot of “Good Riddance” style comments.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Really?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe we are talking about two different guys, but the Carlos Zambrano I watched for parts of eleven seasons in a Cubs uniform was easily one of my all time favorites.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was there when Carlos made his big league debut against the Milwaukee Brewers in 2001.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could see then that he was different, and that he had a true love for the game.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was young and fired up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was impressive.</span></span></div><span style="font-family: "Calibri", "sans-serif"; font-size: 24pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Carlos Zambrano is a talented pitcher.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Outside of Hall of Famer Fergie Jenkins, and Cooperstown bound Greg Maddux, you’d be hard pressed to find a more effective Cubs pitcher in our lifetime.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His passion for his team, <span style="font-size: 24pt; line-height: 115%;">the Chicago Cubs, was unparalleled.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He wanted what we wanted, and he wanted it as badly as we did.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He wanted the Cubs to win.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was driven and he was honest; honest to a fault.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He didn’t always think before he responded.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He didn’t always take the best approach.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He didn’t always make the right choices and yes, he had a ridiculously bad temper.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But what was it that ignited his fury?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One thing: Cubs losses!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel his pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Calibri", "sans-serif"; font-size: 24pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I’ll say this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At least he cared!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His methods were out of line, no question.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But was he wrong about that which infuriated him?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In an era where baseball players, who are making more money in a month than most of us can imagine in a lifetime can just show up and run through the motions, Carlos Zambrano wanted to earn his keep.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When he didn’t play up to his own standards, he was enraged.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> He was mad at himself! </span>I’m not going </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 24pt; line-height: 115%;">to list his career numbers, but if you doubt for one minute that he was anything less than one of baseball’s best over the last decade, you can look it up.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 24pt; line-height: 115%;"><a href="http://www.baseball-reference.com/players/z/zambrca01.shtml">http://www.baseball-reference.com/players/z/zambrca01.shtml</a> </span></div><span style="font-family: "Calibri", "sans-serif"; font-size: 24pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I do understand that the new regime is moving in a different direction, and I am confident in their abilities.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I guess I’m just having a difficult time understanding <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>how trading a quality pitcher, who is only 30 years old, and still more than serviceable, for Chris Volstad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I realize that his salary is hefty, and if this were simply a salary dump, I would find this easier to digest, but to pay virtually all of the money to have him pitch in Miami does not make sense to me in any form.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For the Marlins, it’s a WIN WIN WIN!!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Zambrano is in the final year of his </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 24pt; line-height: 115%;">contract.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If Miami finds themselves out of the race, Carlos can then become a very attractive trading chip that yields legitimate prospects in return. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Something the non-contending Cubs could use come July.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why not keep the guy you are paying, and then trade him when he might actually be able to command something significant in return?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><span style="font-family: "Calibri", "sans-serif"; font-size: 24pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">On a personal note, I found Zambrano to be very cordial and accommodating.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Any occasion when I was given the opportunity to speak with him; be it before a game or at the Cubs convention, he was happy to give me a minute or two of his time, when many on the field found my antics to be ridiculous (and for the record, they pretty much are) ran the other way, Carlos not only participated, but understood what we were trying to accomplish, </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 24pt; line-height: 115%;">demonstrated a sense of humor and genuine warmth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 24pt; line-height: 115%;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e4_h3VKWVW0">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e4_h3VKWVW0</a><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 24pt; line-height: 115%;">I wish him well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He will always be on my roster of all time favorite Cubs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I refuse to celebrate this in any way shape or form.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 24pt; line-height: 115%;">I’ll celebrate when the Cubs win.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>Mike Toomeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12726387932580513966noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1003858985900972296.post-28591137395570358072011-11-28T12:54:00.000-08:002011-11-28T12:54:37.185-08:00The Song Assassin! The Christmas Shoes.<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Christmas Shoes</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;">With the holiday season upon us, I thought the assassination of a holiday song would be appropriate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“The Christmas Shoes” is a contrived, tear jerking ballad about a young boy who, on Christmas Eve, wishes to buy his mother one last pair of shoes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The song was recorded by the Christian group NewSong in 2000, and in 2002, a made for TV movie adaptation was produced.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s entirely fictional.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>THIS IS NOT A TRUE STORY!!!</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;">Here’s the link:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GJcPVB-we7g"><span style="font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: blue;">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GJcPVB-we7g</span></span></a><span style="font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;">It was almost Christmas time <span style="color: #c00000;">so we are somewhere in late Dec.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ok.</span><br />
There I stood in another line.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="color: #c00000;">This, to imply that this is not the first line he’s been in today. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This guy is like me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He waits too long to do his shopping.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He probably, like me, doesn’t go for all that “Black Friday” bullshit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Getting up at 4am to wrestle with soccer moms over the last IPAD, Smart phone or Call of Duty giftcard.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I’ll shop on my terms” thought the guy in the song.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Good for him!</span><br />
Trying to buy that last gift or two <span style="color: #c00000;">look at this guy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He doesn’t even know how many gifts he’s supposed to get.</span><br />
Not really in the Christmas mood<span style="color: #c00000;">.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Can’t blame him here either.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can’t just turn it on like a switch.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just because “Dolly Parton’s Mountains Christmas” is on ABC Family, doesn’t necessarily mean I’m feeling it.</span><br />
Standing right in front of me<br />
Was a little boy waiting anxiously<br />
Pacing around like little boys do <span style="color: #c00000;">Maybe he wants to ask the cashier where the bathroom is.</span><br />
And in his hands he held<br />
A pair of shoes<br />
<br />
And his clothes were worn and old<br />
He was dirty from head to toe <span style="color: #c00000;">if this were me, I’d just assume that the young fella was currently appearing in the local community’s rendition of “A Christmas Carol” perhaps they’re giving the shoppers at the mall a sampling of what they’re in for if they attend this holiday favorite.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No kid is really that dirty and disheveled.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This must be “Tiny Tim” </span><br />
And when it came his time to pay<br />
I couldn't believe what I heard him say<br />
<br />
Sir I wanna buy these shoes for my Momma please<br />
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size<br />
Could you hurry Sir?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="color: #c00000;">Isn’t that something?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Little guy’s on break and instead of heading over to the food court for some Sbarro, this kid’s getting some shoes for his mom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Wow!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe I am starting to feel it a bit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think really it’s probably a combination of Dolly’s Mountains and this young thespian.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Neither one of these alone can get it done, but the combination of the two is starting to move me.</span><br />
Daddy says there's not much time<span style="color: #c00000;">.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh, I see, his dad, the stage father sent him over to pick up the Reeboks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Ok Tyler, why don’t you head over to Penney’s and get them shoes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You don’t have to do your scene again until 6.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Daddy’s gonna head over to Won Ton Express for some free Chicken Teriyaki on a stick.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll do that thing where I pretend that I just might buy some if I try it, but there’s no way in hell I’m really going to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
You see, she's been sick for quite a while<br />
And I know these shoes will make her smile<br />
and I want her to look beautiful<br />
If Momma meets Jesus, tonight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="color: #c00000;">If she meets Jesus tonight?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Tell you what, son.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If your mom has been sick for awhile, and it sounds kind of like she’s still sick, then maybe she doesn’t need to see her Hispanic boyfriend tonight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe she’ll feel better and she can make it up to Jesus (Hay-soos) on New Year’s Eve.</span><br />
<br />
He counted pennies for what seem like years<br />
and cashier says son there's not enough here<span style="color: #c00000;"> aren’t you taking this Tiny Tim thing a little too far, kid?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yeah, maybe a pair of shoes cost three cents in 1843, but times change Timmy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Times change.</span><br />
He searched his pockets franticly <span style="color: #c00000;">for what?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The other three pennies he must have lost?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe he was robbed by another anachronistic character.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe it was a 19<sup>th</sup> century pickpocket with a cockney accent who grabbed everything he had on his left side, but couldn’t get the three pennies on the right.</span><br />
And he turned and he looked at me <span style="color: #c00000;">ok, here it comes…</span><br />
He said Momma made Christmas good at our house<br />
though most years she just did without.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Tell me Sir<br />
what am I gonna do?<span style="color: #c00000;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know kid but you can start by not talking to strangers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Didn’t your barefoot mom teach you anything?</span><br />
Some how I’ve got to buy her these Christmas shoes</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;">They are Christmas shoes?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So do you go out panhandling every holiday for shoes?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Boy, you should see the pumps I got some stranger to buy Mommy last Armistice Day!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
<br />
So I laid the money down <span style="color: #c00000;">SUCKER!!!</span><br />
I just had to help him out<br />
and I'll never forget<br />
the look on his face <span style="color: #c00000;">The look of disbelief when he realized that you had actually bought his story? </span>When he said Momma's gonna look so great.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: #c00000;">Repeat God awful chorus</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
I knew I caught a glimpse of heavens love as he thanked me and ran out. <span style="color: #c00000;">That’s one way to look at it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
I know that God had sent that little boy to remind me<br />
What Christmas is all about <span style="color: #c00000;">that or you just got ripped off by an eight year old con artist.</span><br />
<br />
Sir I wanna buy these shoes for my Momma please<br />
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size<br />
Could you hurry Sir?<br />
Daddy says there's not much time<br />
You see she's been sick for quite a while<br />
And I know these shoes will make her smile<br />
And I want her to look beautiful<br />
If Momma meets Jesus tonight</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;">If you really need a pair of shoes that badly, why don’t you just roll dice like everybody else does? (Momma needs a new pair of shoes!)</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
<br />
I want her to look beautiful<br />
If Momma meets Jesus tonight</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;">So the moral here is:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Jesus won’t look too kindly on you if you show up without shoes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That makes two reasons why David Carridine is probably not in heaven.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><br />
</div>Mike Toomeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12726387932580513966noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1003858985900972296.post-21753028144554782042011-10-27T12:02:00.000-07:002011-10-27T12:02:16.373-07:00Greg Smith: Behind The Scenes<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Greg Smith:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Behind The Scenes</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">With Halloween almost here, I find myself excited about the prospect of portraying one of my favorite characters.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Here is one of my most enjoyable and memorable Greg Smith pieces, though it is a lesser seen bit:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lNoOKIWlIys"><span style="font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lNoOKIWlIys</span></span></a><span style="font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">This one was not as well received as the previous Greg appearance, but to me it was as much fun to shoot and edit as anything I’ve ever done (and not just because I got to share a coffin with April Rose).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So much goes into something like this, and the behind the scenes moments are unforgettable. Sometimes the unexpected happens and in my opinion, the funniest stuff ends up on the cutting room floor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">We set up the visit first by calling the casket store.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bill, the gentleman who appears in the video was fine with having us come and shoot our “little sketch” there and even willing to appear in it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We arrive, I start with my makeup, cameraman Steve Scheuer sets up and my friend Jeff Hoover cases the joint to look for what gags we might be able to pull off.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bill is very cordial and helpful and answers all of our questions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“How often do people come in to look at caskets?” we asked him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Not often” says Bill, which makes sense as this is a bit of a specialty type outlet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He told us that at times, he would just sit there for hours and even days before someone would come in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“They never drive over and stop in?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Not since I’ve been here.” Says Bill.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s now pretty much just and appointment only type of thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This made me feel better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Imagine the feeling should some grief stricken relative of a recently deceased stop in looking for just the right coffin while I’m decked out like Bela Lugosi on a bender. </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">WELL GUESS WHAT???<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I finish with probably the worst makeup job on record; I’ve got the blood on my mouth, a widow’s peak and bow tie, I slip into my cape and walk to the front.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The timing could not have been more perfect as I get to the reception desk just as a CUSTOMER enters the store.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our eyes meet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nothing is said (though I did consider asking “May I help you?”) A momentary pause takes place which seems to last for an eternity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I do the awkward move where you hold up the index finger as if to say, “just a minute” and I retreat to the back room, “Uh, Bill…you have a customer.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Steve, Jeff, April and I all stare at each other in shock.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nobody wants to laugh, but come on!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How nuts is this? I must admit a chuckle did escape as I tried to put a serious face on top of the ridiculous face I’d just assembled on top of my own.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now it’s one of those moments where you know you shouldn’t laugh but the harder you try not to, the harder it becomes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How horrible!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The laughs subsided eventually.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I believe Bill got the sale, and I am happy to report that the customer did have a sense of humor about the whole thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Before he left, he asked jokingly, “Hey where did Dracula go?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Who knows, maybe it gave him a brief moment to smile on one of the worst days of his life… And believing that makes me sleep better at night whether it’s true or not.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Despite the bump in the road, we finished the shoot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The piece ran once, but like the creature of the night that is Greg Smith, it will live forever!!! (Thanks YouTube).</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">…and I’m still waiting for my commission.</span></span></div>Mike Toomeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12726387932580513966noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1003858985900972296.post-61021742766026069662011-10-20T08:09:00.000-07:002011-10-20T18:51:22.804-07:00The Death of a Dick!<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When a Dick Dies</span></span><span style="font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">DING-DONG, THE DICK IS DEAD! Moammar Gadhafi has been taken down!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Long time coming, right? Kick ass!!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am thrilled not only to learn that he’s dead, but to see that people can put death in perspective and view things case by case.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Death isn’t always a sad thing, and we aren’t obligated to feel anything but what we naturally feel. </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">When it was reported back in May that Osama Bin Laden was tracked down and killed, it was the first time I’d ever observed elation over a death.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was thrilled that he was dead, and I was even happier to discover that people were not hiding their joy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>People generally feel obligated to show some sort of reverence when somebody bites it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Everyone speaks of what a wonderful person he or she was; how this person was always there to lend a hand, always joyful and full of spirit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It always made me think, “What happens when a dick dies?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You never see the TV interview where neighbors take turns at the TV microphone, “<span style="color: #c00000;">You know</span>, <span style="color: #c00000;">no one around here particularly cared much for Gary.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="color: #548dd4; mso-themecolor: text2; mso-themetint: 153;">Gary was a prick!</span> <span style="color: #e36c0a; mso-themecolor: accent6; mso-themeshade: 191;">I surely hated that Gary!</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="color: #8064a2; mso-themecolor: accent4;">Gary will not be missed around here. </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="color: #17365d; mso-themecolor: text2; mso-themeshade: 191;">Gary stole my horseshoes</span><span style="color: #e36c0a; mso-themecolor: accent6; mso-themeshade: 191;">! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes, when the history of Gary is written, it will be well documented that Gary was a cock.” </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">You’ve heard the phrase a million times, “Why do bad things only happen to good people?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The answer is simple.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because bad things CAN only happen to good people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If it happened to a dick, it wouldn’t be a bad thing, now would it?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Say did you hear about Hitler’s Jet Ski accident?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They’re not sure if he’ll make it.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Say, let’s have a luau!</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“Well, they executed Gacy last night.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Seriously?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>See if you can find my pointy hat from New Year’s Eve!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“Boy that was a tough break for Stalin, having that cerebral hemorrhage and all.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yeah, I was thinking the same thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Throw on some Kool and the Gang!</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’m not saying we should wish death on anyone for any old reason.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We really shouldn’t secretly long for the painful demise of the guy who hit on your girlfriend at that wedding reception back in ‘97.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s not particularly rational to wish to end the life of the gal at Arby's who wouldn’t honor your expired coupon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And it’s a bit much to anxiously await the day that you can urinate on the grave of the asshole driver who “wouldn’t let you over”</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">But we certainly don’t have to feel any false sense of respect for someone who deserves none.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bad things CAN only happen to good people, and when they do, it sucks!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Far too many decent human beings are taken away long before their time. But dicks die, too!</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Maybe I’m a bad guy for even mentioning this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe I’m going to hell for even bringing it up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, as my friend Jim Higgins used to say, “It’s not like I’m not going to know anybody.”</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eIAo-iFbVe4"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eIAo-iFbVe4</span></a><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><br />
</div>Mike Toomeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12726387932580513966noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1003858985900972296.post-31217003308692166292011-10-11T08:16:00.000-07:002011-10-12T06:40:59.886-07:00Song Assassin! The Last Song.<b><span style="font-size: 14pt;">Edward Bear</span></b><span style="font-size: 14pt;"> was a </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toronto" title="Toronto"><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="color: blue;">Toronto</span></span></a><span style="font-size: 14pt;"> based </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Canada" title="Canada"><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="color: blue;">Canadian</span></span></a><span style="font-size: 14pt;"> </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pop_music" title="Pop music"><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="color: blue;">pop</span></span></a><span style="font-size: 14pt;">-</span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rock_music" title="Rock music"><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="color: blue;">rock</span></span></a><span style="font-size: 14pt;"> </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Musical_ensemble" title="Musical ensemble"><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="color: blue;">group</span></span></a><span style="font-size: 14pt;">, formed originally in 1966 by </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Larry_Evoy" title="Larry Evoy"><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="color: blue;">Larry Evoy</span></span></a><span style="font-size: 14pt;"> and Craig Hemming. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Their band name is derived from </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A.A._Milne" title="A.A. Milne"><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="color: blue;">A.A. Milne</span></span></a><span style="font-size: 14pt;">'s </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Winnie-the-Pooh" title="Winnie-the-Pooh"><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="color: blue;">Winnie the Pooh</span></span></a><span style="font-size: 14pt;">, whose "proper" name is <i>Edward Bear</i>. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: 14pt;">The band had its biggest hit in 1972, when "Last Song" charted at </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Record_chart" title="Record chart"><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="color: blue;">#1</span></span></a><span style="font-size: 14pt;"> in Canada and peaked at #3 in the </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_States" title="United States"><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="color: blue;">U.S.</span></span></a><span style="font-size: 14pt;"> </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Billboard_Hot_100" title="Billboard Hot 100"><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="color: blue;">Billboard Hot 100</span></span></a><span style="font-size: 14pt;">.</span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Edward_Bear#cite_note-The_Book_of_Golden_Discs-0"><sup><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="color: blue;">[1]</span></span></sup></a><span style="font-size: 14pt;"> It was awarded a </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Music_recording_sales_certification" title="Music recording sales certification"><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="color: blue;">gold disc</span></span></a><span style="font-size: 14pt;"> in March 1973 for selling over one million copies by the </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Recording_Industry_Association_of_America" title="Recording Industry Association of America"><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="color: blue;">Recording Industry Association of America</span></span></a><span style="font-size: 14pt;">.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: 14pt;">"The Last Song" is a tale of obsession, stalkery, and stupidity.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: 14pt;">Here's the video:</span><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1ievU49zAs"><span style="font-size: 16pt;"><span style="color: blue;">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1ievU49zAs</span></span></a><span style="font-size: 16pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt;"><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The Last Song</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt;"><span style="font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Did you know I go to sleep and<br />
Leave the lights on?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="color: #c00000;">Sissy!</span><br />
Hoping you'd come by and know<br />
that I was home and still awake</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt;"><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Just a couple of lines into the song and we </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt;"><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Can already see that this guy is pathetic. </span><span style="font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt;"><br />
But two years go by and still my light's on</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt;"><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Really?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Two things:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>1. how many years do you</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt;"><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt;">suppose will have to pass for him to realize what </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt;"><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt;">we have in two lines of a song? Did he say at the beginning, "Ok, I'll give this thing two years and then we'll see where we're at." And 2.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Does he </span><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt;">jump in and change the light bulb every time it burns </span><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt;">out, or is he some kind of modern day Edison who has developed </span><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt;">the everlasting bulb?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What happens if the bulb burns out </span><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt;">after he’s fallen asleep with it still on?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What if the person </span><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt;">he is so creepily obsessed with happens to pass by during </span><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt;">that short window of time where the bulb has burned out </span><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt;">and Edward Bear has nodded off.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That person would then feel as though Edward Bear no longer cares.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This would be a tragedy.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt;"><span style="font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt;"><br />
This is hard for me to say but it is all that I can take</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt;"><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Had enough, have you?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What was the deal breaker?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt;"><span style="font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt;"><br />
<br />
It's the last song I'll ever write for you </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt;"><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Is this to imply that you have written others?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt;"><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt;">were those called?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“The first song?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Perhaps “Here’s</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt;"><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt;">another Song,” maybe “Time to change the light bulb” or who could forget, “Are you listening to any of my fucking songs?” </span><span style="font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt;"><br />
It's the last time that I'll tell you just how much I really care<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="color: #c00000;">Hey listen, Edward…That would be great!</span><br />
This is the last song I'll ever sing for you</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt;"><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Again, much appreciated.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s not that I don’t dig </span><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt;">your vocal stylings, it’s just that my kids are a little weirded out.</span><span style="font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt;"><br />
You'll come looking for the light<br />
And it won't be there <span style="color: #c00000;">Edward, do you really</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt;"><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt;">think she’ll come looking for the light?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Really?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt;"><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Come on man, I would think that after TWO YEARS</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt;"><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt;">it’s pretty well determined that this electric vigil you keep referring to bears no significance to your prey. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt;"><span style="font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt;"><br />
But I love you. <span style="color: #c00000;">Do you really?</span><br />
Oh yes I do. <span style="color: #c00000;">Really?</span><br />
Yes I do<br />
<br />
All the times that I spent waiting<br />
<span style="color: black; mso-themecolor: text1;">wondering</span> where you are.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="color: #c00000;">You know, I could </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt;"><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Probably find the number of a decent therapist.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt;"><span style="font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt;"><br />
Always knew the time would come<br />
When I would start to wonder why </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt;"><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt;">And you figured this time would come somewhere</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt;"><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt;">around the two year mark?</span><span style="font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt;"><br />
Now the time is here<br />
I don't know where you are</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt;"><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Thank God for that.</span><span style="font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt;"><br />
So I'll write you one more song<br />
But it's the last time that I'll try</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt;"><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt;">That’s what you said last time, when you</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt;"><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt;">wrote that ballad about changing the light</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt;"><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt;">bulb.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt;"><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Repeat chours:</span><span style="font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt;"><br />
<br />
It's the last song I'll ever write for you<br />
It's the last time that I'll tell you<br />
Just how much I really care<br />
This is the last song I'll ever sing for you<br />
You'll come looking for the light<br />
And it won't be there<br />
But I love you<br />
Oh yes I do<br />
Yes I do<br />
<br />
It's the last song I'll ever write for you<br />
It's the last song I'll ever write for you<br />
It's the last song I'll ever write for you<br />
It's the last song I'll ever write for you</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt;"><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt;">If this song was written as some sort of joke,</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt;"><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt;">as a way to mock some loser, then hat’s off</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt;"><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt;">to Edward Bear!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean, after all, naming your</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt;"><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt;">band after Winnie The Pooh, is kind of funny.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Who knows, maybe there’s a lost recording out there of</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt;"><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Sebastion Cabot reading this classic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If not, there certainly should be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My initial thought though, is if there had been a movie written about this song back in 1972, it would have ended with Susan Blakely, Linda Purl, or Karen Valentine getting murdered.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or perhaps with Martin Sheen sticking a gun in his mouth. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt;"><br />
</div>Mike Toomeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12726387932580513966noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1003858985900972296.post-20833574150253058322011-09-26T10:16:00.000-07:002011-09-26T10:41:56.801-07:00Pregnant or...???<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">On stage, a lot of things are said spontaneously, or “off the cuff.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s part of the job. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes these quips are the funniest part of your performance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Other times they are the most awkward, embarrassing, non- sensical, or regrettable statements to fall out of your mouth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s like the pitcher who throws the wrong pitch and knows it as soon as it leaves his hand, but can’t get it back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes, one can put his foot in his mouth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">If there were ever a stand-up comedy handbook, I think the first entry under the “don’ts” category would be “never ask a woman if she is pregnant” Anyone can make a mistake.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hopefully they learn from it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In my case it had to happen twice.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Incident number one:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am working a club, second show Friday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These are traditionally the worst shows of the week as audiences are as tired and as drunk as they can possibly be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In many cases, these shows are not all that well attended either.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The case is usually this; the smaller the audience, the more we try to interact with them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s pretty hard to just rattle off your material when there are fifteen people sitting in front of you at 11:30 on Friday night.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What I usually attempt is to weave bits in and out of the crowd play, try to find someone in the audience who can relate to the topic, and turn it into a conversation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This particular night the topic was children; having kids, pregnancy, and parenthood.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I launch into a piece about how difficult pregnancy was for my wife, Beth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I notice a younger woman nodding in agreement with a faint smile.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She “appears “to be about six months pregnant, average in size everywhere but the mid section, a bit of a disproportionate protuberance just above the beltline.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I motion to her, “you’re pregnant?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She shoots me a cold stare.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel the air being sucked out of the room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Things become awkward.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even “late show Friday drunks” are picking up on the terror that is unfolding.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is silence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My mind races for a solution.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then I take a shot, “I’m sorry, they just told me that there was someone here who was expecting a baby.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I thought that since you were playing along that it was you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Where is the pregnant woman?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just then, as if God had decided to check out a late show at the Chuckle Hut, I heard a voice from just behind the lights, “It’s me,” she said.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was saved!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I turned my attention to her, finished the parenthood piece, and satisfied the pissed off patron whom I’d incorrectly diagnosed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bullet dodged, Lesson learned.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told myself then that I would never ever assume any woman to be with child, regardless of how she looks moves, speaks or behaves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I should have listened.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Incident number two:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Another late show.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Another small crowd.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s mid-summer, ninety some degrees outside and the air conditioning is not functioning in the club.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are tired, they are drunk, and they are sweating their asses off.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Seated up front, a few couples out on the town and dead center, an attractive lady in her early thirties sits uncomfortably in front of me as I labor through the set.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She is shifting side to side, up and down, fanning herself with her drink menu and noticeably not at ease.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She is on the thin side, except for a perfectly round ball under her shirt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She has one arm over the back of the chair, and the other down at her side, bent at a ninety degree angle with her hand resting on the rotund belly, like an NBA All-star palming a Wilson.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This was unquestionably a mother to be, right?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I head down the same road, and when the topic of pregnancy is raised, and I feel the rest of the group is looking sympathetically at the young lady up front, I nod in her direction, you’re expecting?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As if to overstate the obvious.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After a long pause, I find myself on the receiving end of the dirtiest of dirty looks, “NO” She replies indignantly, and the tension fills the room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I try to remain calm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I recall the previous occurrence and play the same card that paid off some three years prior, ““I’m sorry, they just told me that there was someone here who was expecting a baby.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I thought that since you were playing along that it was you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Where is the pregnant woman?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Silence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Where is the couple that’s having the baby?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nothing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The tension grows as I realize I have no more tricks in the bag.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I start to nervously ramble…with no support from the audience and certainly none from my fellow comedians who find this to be the most hilarious show they’ve ever witnessed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Maybe it’s me” I utter desperately.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> "Boy, that would surely be hilarious." </span>I continued to run at the mouth hoping for another divine intervention.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Hey remember in I Love Lucy when Ricky Ricardo was trying to find out who the pregnant lady was?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Remember, they gave him a note on stage and he started singing” I nervously transition into my best Desi Arnaz, in song, “We’re having a baby, my baby and me.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As I continue to sing away, I’m thinking that maybe they’ve never seen that episode, “You see Ricky had to walk through the club and as he approached each woman she’d shake her head no to let him know it was not her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Turns out, it was Lucy!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Can you belive that, ladies and gentlemen?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was Lucy!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The joke was on Ricky!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nobody was going to let me off the hook as the Lucy/Desi comparison went over like a lead balloon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could hear the crickets as I tried in vain to escape the quicksand that had become my portion of the show.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I never got another laugh that night.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I slithered off the stage to a smattering of pity applause and made certain not to make eye contact with the lady up front.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">This time I mean it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>NEVER AGAIN!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Never will I ever assume such a thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t care if the woman in the audience has her water break at the waitress station, her husband is timing her contractions, and if I can see the head of the baby from the stage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My comment will not be, “are you pregnant” but more something like “Excuse me but can you please keep your table talk down to a minimum?” and for the record, It was a pretty damn good Desi Arnaz impression if I do say so myself.</span></span><br />
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6UPbOtpM5OQ">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6UPbOtpM5OQ</a></div>Mike Toomeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12726387932580513966noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1003858985900972296.post-18934010851176925772011-08-22T07:03:00.000-07:002011-08-22T07:34:07.945-07:00Song Assassin: Guest Blogger Tim Benker!A guest assassin will skewer one of his favorites today. The Blogger: Tim Benker. The song: Steve Miller's "Take The Money And Run" <br />
<br />
I have known Mr. Benker for a long, long time. He was my first comedy friend as we started out in the biz on the same day back in January of 1982. Here he does a great job of picking apart this classic!<br />
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<span style="color: red;"> Here's the song! <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTti_fYPiWY&feature=fvst">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTti_fYPiWY&feature=fvst</a></span><br />
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<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">Take the Money and Run</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">"Take the Money and Run" is a song recorded in 1976 by the Steve Miller Band. A song about two young bandits, and featured on the album Fly Like an Eagle. The song peaked at #11 on the U.S. Billboard Hot 100.</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">The song also shares the same basic chordal structure with Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Sweet Home Alabama" and Warren Zevon's "Werewolves of London”</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The lame story is not as big a mess as how the author attempts to tell it.</i></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">This is a story ‘bout Billy Joe and Bobby Sue</b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">It is a story that starts by telling you that it is in fact, a story...the names in the story are quite androgenous so it is either about two hillbillies of undisclosed gender...that could be brother and sister... or it is about two southern lesbians </i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Two young lovers with nothing better to do</b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">This could confirm the hillbilly brother and sister theory.</i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Than sit around the house, get high and watch the tube</b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Sounds like a full rich day for hillbillies</i><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Here’s what happened when they decided to cut loose</b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">They headed down to Old El Paso</b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Whoa...settle down you two!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Cuttin loose in Old El Paso!!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I want to “cut loose”, I know Old El Paso is the first place I want to go...to buy more drugs, and to buy a jar of Salsa!</i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">That’s where they ran into a great big hassle</b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">When sung in the original recording, the line sounds like “they ran into a great big asshole”...I hear that and I envision them physically <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>with big bags of money and guns drawn running straight into a giant anus....that or getting into a car wreck with Newt Gingrich.</i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Billy Joe, shot a man while robbing his castle</b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I don’t think THEY ran into a great big hassle, the guy they robbed and shot was the one who had the great big hassle run into HIM...Billy Joe was the hassle-er. Also, I have been to El Paso a few times, and the only castles I ever saw was at the mini golf<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>place, or the mini hamburger restaurant. </i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Bobby sue, took the money and run</b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">This is not a typo...Bobby Sue <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">took</b> the money, past tense and <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">run</b>...in present tense...She’s good, she managed to change tense in the middle of a single action...She could have “taken the money and ran”, but that would screw up the chorus....She could “take the money and runs” but that would sound like she stole diarrhea. The only thing we know for sure is Bobby Sue did indeed, run off with the money grammatically incorrect fashion..</i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Go, On take the Money and Run</b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">This is a bold endorsement of the heinous and felonious actions of Billy Joe and Bobby Sue...Go on, shoot a man in cold blood, rob his castle, you have nothing better to do , Go on, take the money... take it!!! get the hell out of here...it’s okay!!</i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Go On take the Money and Run</b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The encouragement is repeated <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>in case the murderers didn’t think of this exit strategy themselves...then blasphemed:</i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">OOO Lord!</i> Go On take the Money and Run</b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Billy Mac is a detective down in Texas</b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Another bi-monikerred<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>southern guy enters the story...and in case of confusion, we get clarity on which state in the union Old El Paso is located.</i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">You know he knows exactly what the facts is</b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Billy Mac does not know what the facts are, but he definitely knows what the facts IS....that the kind of detective he are. Or maybe he knows what a FAX is...even though they hadn’t been invented yet in 1976. </i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">He ain’t gonna let those two escape justice</b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">At least that’s what it says in his Texas detective oath </i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">He makes his living off of other people’s taxes</b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">This says to me, Billy Mac works for H&R Block on the side for extra money...</i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">It’s in this verse where the author of the song does not take poetic license,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>but rather, he is beaten by the poetic police and has his poetic license revoked. In an historical move, the author rhymes Texas, Facts is, justice and taxes...Could he have been with Billy Joe and Bobby Sue getting high while he wrote this verse?</i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">He would have had better luck rhyming this verse had he started with “Bernie Mac has a defective pound of Tampax”</i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Bobby Sue, oh she slipped away</b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Well, you see, she escaped justice right there...</i><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Billy Joe caught up the very next day</b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Another escapee...</i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">They got the money, hey, you know they got away</b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Where the fuck is Billy Mac?? They got away! All his crap about letting those two escape justice is just that, crap! We need another detective for a missing person case..... Did Billy Mac just give up? Is he on another case? Or is the author holding out on us and secretly wrote a verse where Billy Joe and Bobby Sue come face to face with Billy Mac and they offer him a he chunk if he buried the guy they shot and to let them off the hook for robbery, and he took the deal<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>as long as his name <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>didn’t get another mention in the song...</i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">They headed down south and they’re still running today</b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">They started out in Texas and they headed down south from there...our fugitives are currently living in a penguin colony in Antactica, and are going nowhere,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>much like the story in this song. Ooh, Lord!</i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Go On, take the Money and Run</b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div>Mike Toomeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12726387932580513966noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1003858985900972296.post-11054330477821581432011-08-11T09:17:00.000-07:002011-08-11T09:17:34.558-07:00Song Assassin: Diary<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Song Assassin:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Diary</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The target for today is a sweet little ballad written by David Gates of the popular group, Bread.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Diary” was released on April 22, 1972 and made it all the way to number 15 on the pop charts (say that last sentence in a Casey Kasem voice).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you are not familiar with the song, or if you’d just like to hear it again, here’s where you can find it:</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=24IfD-0VUu4"><span style="font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: blue;">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=24IfD-0VUu4</span></span></a><span style="color: black; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Diary</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;">I found her diary underneath a tree</span><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;">.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ok, we begin the song with carelessness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She just left her diary underneath a tree?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Was this accidental?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is she just that trusting?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Did she just think, “I’ll just leave my diary with my most private thoughts, here underneath this tree.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m sure it will be fine.” And really, who actually keeps a diary?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why the hell would you set yourself up for the humiliation of having some douchebag finding it and making a song about it?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve never known anyone who had a diary.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The only people who kept diaries were TV characters… and I guess ladies in songs.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;">and started reading about me. </span><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;">Is that what you did, you pompous ass?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You started reading about YOU? I would think that her diary would be about HER!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Secondly, why would you just pick up her diary and start reading it, you dick?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You care so little about her right of privacy, and the fact that you are invading it, that you are telling everyone, IN SONG, that you are reading her diary?</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
The words she'd written took me by surprise.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;">Did they?</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
You’d never read them in her eyes. </span><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;">Really?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So you are not just an expert at reading other people’s personal stuff, you are also skilled at reading eyes?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Wow!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why you ARE a catch, aren’t you?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
They said that she had found the love she waited for. <br />
Wouldn't you know it, she wouldn't show it. </span><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;">This should be your first clue, dumbass!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If she didn’t show you that you were the love she’d waited for, why would you believe that she was writing about you? The song should be over here, Dr Deduction!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She found the love that she’d waited for, but shows no indication, in her eyes or anywhere else, that she’s all that crazy about you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
<br />
When she confronted with the writing there,</span><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"> kind of a weird combination of words.</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"> <br />
simply pretended not to care. </span><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;">She PRETENDED not to care?</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
I passed it off as just in keeping with <br />
her total disconcerting air </span><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;">is that what you did? You passed it off as just in keeping with her disconcerting air?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="color: #17365d; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: text2; mso-themeshade: 191;">*Disconcerting air kind of sounds like another term for the aftermath of someone passing gas.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“What the hell is that, Bill? Was that you?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dear God that is some disconcerting air!”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Obviously this chick’s crazy about me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The fact that she admittedly ‘doesn’t show it’ means nothing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She is writing about me in this diary that she left underneath the tree.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s all about me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s that disconcerting air of hers that makes it look like she couldn’t give a rat’s ass about me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You know those women and their disconcerting airs”</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
And though she tried to hide <br />
the love that she denied, <br />
wouldn't you know it, she wouldn't show it. </span><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;">Not to beat a dead horse here Chalmers, but it surely doesn’t appear that she has too much love to throw your way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Denied or otherwise.</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
And as I go through my life, I will give to her my wife </span><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;">Wait, she’s your wife?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Are you really married to her or is this just the way you see things shaking down?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Does it say somewhere in this diary that she’s waiting for Mr. Privacy Invader to pop the question?</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
<br />
all the sweet things I can find. </span><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;">All the sweet things you can find?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So you are looking for sweet things?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And when you find them you will give them to her?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s so sweet!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now put down her fucking diary!</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
I found her diary underneath a tree<br />
and started reading about me. </span><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;">You still feel no guilt here, do you?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And so far, you still think this is all about you?</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
The words began stick and tears to flow. </span><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;">Ok, here we go.</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
Her meaning now was clear to see. </span><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;">NOW it’s clear to see? </span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
The love she'd waited for was someone else not me. </span><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;">This is where the bells and whistles start going off like when someone said the secret word on Pee Wee’s Playhouse!</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tWnXN1FLR5o&feature=related"><span style="font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tWnXN1FLR5o&feature=related</span></a><span style="color: black; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(forward to 1:47)</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
Wouldn’t you know it, she wouldn't show it. </span><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;">Actually, I WOULD know it!</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
<br />
And as I go through my life, I will wish for her his wife. </span><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;">So now she’s HIS wife?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You’ve given up that easily?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I guess it’s time to go find another diary, carelessly left out somewhere for the world to read.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Certainly when you find it, it will undoubtedly be about you.</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
all the sweet things that she can find </span><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;">Oh I see, now that you have graciously bowed out, she must find the sweet things herself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You’re on your own, bitch!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Find your own sweet things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was going to find them for you, my wife.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Whatever!</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
All the sweet things they can find.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“</span><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;">Ok, you know what? Why don’t you just get him to find them with you?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Your loss!”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;">Seems to me she left the diary out on purpose.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was gambling on the possibility that he knew how to read.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><br />
</div>Mike Toomeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12726387932580513966noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1003858985900972296.post-12494707450628053492011-07-26T10:41:00.000-07:002011-08-14T17:32:53.027-07:00Song assassin-The Night That The Lights Went Out In Georgia.<span style="font-size: 18pt;">I would like to introduce a new segment to the blog. I call it “The Song Assassin” I will find the songs with the most nonsensical and/or ridiculous lyrics, and attack them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s that simple.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 18pt;">My first installment is a cute little ditty called "<b>The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia</b>" is a </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Southern_Gothic" title="Southern Gothic"><span style="font-size: 18pt;"><span style="color: blue;">Southern Gothic</span></span></a><span style="font-size: 18pt;"> song written by songwriter </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bobby_Russell" title="Bobby Russell"><span style="font-size: 18pt;"><span style="color: blue;">Bobby Russell</span></span></a><span style="font-size: 18pt;"> and performed in 1972 by his then-wife </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vicki_Lawrence" title="Vicki Lawrence"><span style="font-size: 18pt;"><span style="color: blue;">Vicki Lawrence</span></span></a><span style="font-size: 18pt;">; </span><br />
<span style="font-size: 18pt;">Recorded in late October 1972 in United/Western Studios on Sunset in Hollywood and released less than two weeks later in November 1972, the song centers around the older brother of the narrator.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here’s the song if you’d like to play along:</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></span></span><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X6-4N0IPVh8"><span style="font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Calibri;">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X6-4N0IPVh8</span></span></a><span style="color: #474747; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"></span></div><span style="font-size: 18pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The lyrics are as follows:</span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The night that the lights went out in Georgia</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="color: #474747; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: #474747; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;">He was on his way home from Candletop. </span><span style="color: #c00000; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;">I was not able to ascertain where or what Candletop is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m guessing a place where guys who appear in songs go.</span></span><span style="color: #474747; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Been two weeks gone and he thought he'd stop<br />
At Web’s </span></span><span style="color: #c00000; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">His favorite watering hole, no doubt</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: #474747; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;">and have him a drink for he went home to her </span><span style="color: #c00000; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;">We will learn more of “her” later.</span></span><span style="color: #474747; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Andy Wolloe said hello.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span><span style="color: #c00000; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Andy Wolloe, WO-LO</span></span><span style="color: #474747; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">He said hi what's a doing, Wo? </span></span><span style="color: #c00000; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Wolloe’s nickname is “WO”</span></span><span style="color: #474747; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Said sit down I got some bad news that's gonna hurt. </span></span><span style="color: #c00000; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">This, as opposed to the bad news that generally makes you feel fantastic!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of course the bad news is gonna hurt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s bad news, Wolloe!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Wolloe could have just said, “I’ve got some bad news”</span></span><span style="color: #474747; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Said I’m your best friend and you know that's right </span></span><span style="color: #c00000; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">This is where he tells him that he’s his best friend, and follows it up with “and you know that’s right.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Who is this guy that can’t just decide on his own who is best friend is?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What is he, Frankenstein?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Yes, I want friend! Yes, I know that’s right!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Wolloe friend!”</span></span><span style="color: #474747; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">But your young bride aint home tonight </span></span><span style="color: #c00000; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The bride of Frankenstein?</span></span><span style="color: #474747; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Since you been gone she's been seeing that Amos boy Seth </span></span><span style="color: #c00000; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Yes, bad news indeed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His young bride has been banging Seth Amos while he was doing whatever he does in Candeltop.</span></span><span style="color: #474747; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">He got mad and he saw red<br />
Andy said boy don't you lose your head<br />
Cause to tell you the truth I’ve been with her myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span><span style="color: #c00000; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">What?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Wolloe says in one breath, “Don’t lose your head” then follows that up with, “I’m actually hitting that as well” How does that make sense?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Don’t get mad brother; I’m having intercourse with your wife, too.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yeah, that’ll calm him down.</span></span><span style="color: #474747; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Chorus: <br />
That's the night the lights went out in Georgia </span></span><span style="color: #c00000; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The title of the song.</span></span><span style="color: #474747; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">That's the night that they hung an innocent man.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span><span style="color: #c00000; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Now this might make you think, why would hanging a man make the lights go out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Had they electrocuted him, I could see how something like that might possibly happen depending on when in history, and where in Georgia this all went down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And really the correct term is “hanged” right? And when they say “Georgia” do they mean the entire state?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All of Georgia suffered blackout conditions because some guy got unfairly lynched in the woods?</span></span><span style="color: #474747; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Don't trust your soul to no back woods southern lawyer<br />
Cause the judge in the towns got bloodstains on his hand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span><span style="color: #c00000; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">So the reason here to not trust a backwoods southern lawyer is because the judge in the town has blood stains on his hands?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would choose not to trust him because he’s a backwoods southern lawyer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How did the judge get blood stains on his hands?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Did he wash up before presiding?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That would be weird to be in court and then notice that the judge has blood stains on his hands.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would be like, “What’s up with his honor?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Did he have a really bad nose bleed and he didn’t have any Kleenex or toilet paper at first and just put his hands up there to catch the blood?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have actually had that happen, but I’ve always made sure that the blood was washed before returning to work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This just makes me think that he doesn’t wash his hands ever before returning to work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span><span style="color: #474747; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Andy got scared and left the bar. </span></span><span style="color: #c00000; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So Andy got scared?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How did he really envision this scenario going down?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He just told this guy that Seth Amos, and he himself were slamming his young bride while he was at good ol’ Candeltop.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Wolloe didn’t see any conflict on the horizon?</span></span><span style="color: #474747; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Walking on home cause he didn't live far.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span><span style="color: #c00000; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">It just makes sense that Andy lived walking distance from the bar.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: #474747; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;">You see<br />
Andy didn't have many friends and he just lost him one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="color: #c00000; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;">So wait, Andy didn’t have many friends?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Go figure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why in the world do you suppose a stand-up dude like Andy Wolloe wouldn’t have many friends?</span></span><span style="color: #474747; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Brother thought his wife must’ve left town, </span></span><span style="color: #c00000; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">why did brother immediately think that his wife must have left town?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Did brother assume that his wife would predict that dumbass Wolloe, or one of the countless other village idiots that she put out for, would blow the whistle? Then I could see her leaving town and finding another friendly berg in which to have sex with all the townfolk.</span></span><span style="color: #474747; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">So he went home and finally found the only thing<br />
Papa had left him and that was a gun.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span><span style="color: #c00000; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">He FINALLY found it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How long do you suppose he looked for the thing?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s his house, and in it is the only thing that Papa had left him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why wouldn’t he instantly know where it was?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hmm, now where do I usually keep the gun that my daddy left me?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh, there it is!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You know this stuff is always in the last place that you look.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know you really don’t keep looking after you find something, but I’m serious.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was not going to look anymore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I said to myself, this is the last place I’m going to look and there’s the gun.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How do you like that?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>FINALLY!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I FINALLY found it!</span></span><span style="color: #474747; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">He went off to Andy’s house<br />
slipping through the back woods quiet as a mouse</span></span><span style="color: #c00000; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> Now if he’s “slippin’ through the backwoods” I would think that it would be difficult to be as “quiet as a mouse.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The slipping, I would think, might make for some noise out there near Andy’s house.</span></span><span style="color: #474747; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Came upon some tracks too small for Andy to make.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span><span style="color: #c00000; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“So” thought brother, “these footprints are kind of small.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They seem too small for Andy to make.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or are they?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe Andy has really small feet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I never really looked at his feet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Man he’s got really small feet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I guess that probably means that Andy’s…well you know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I suppose I do feel a slight bit better knowing that this guy was doing my old lady with smaller junk than mine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I guess the joke’s on her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Whore!</span></span><span style="color: #474747; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">He looked through the screen at the back porch door<br />
He saw Andy lying on the floor<br />
in a puddle of blood and he started to shake.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span><span style="color: #c00000; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Whenever I heard this part of the song, I thought they were saying “Andy started to shake” which made no sense because Andy, at this point, was seemingly deceased.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I later realized it was “and he started to shake”</span></span><span style="color: #474747; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The Georgia patrol was making their rounds<br />
so he fired a shot just to flag em down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span><span style="color: #c00000; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Ok, really?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>C’mon brother! The Georgia Patrol was making their rounds, and you are fully aware of their proximity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You are holding a gun and standing over a recently murdered dude who was fornicating with your wife while you were at Candletop; and your first instinct is to fire the gun just to flag them down?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You deserve to die.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You deserve to freaking die!</span></span><span style="color: #474747; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">And a big bellied sheriff </span></span><span style="color: #c00000; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">why do all the southern sheriffs, except Andy Taylor, have to have big bellies? </span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: #474747; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;">grabbed his gun and said<br />
Why’d you do it? </span><span style="color: #c00000; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;">And when he asks “Why’d you do it?” he’s asking, “Why the hell did you shoot off the gun when we were driving by?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You obviously knew we were making our rounds, dumbass!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I also picture the big bellied sheriff, if we are going to push the stereotype, holding a doughnut with his other hand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He grabbed the gun with one hand, and held onto the doughnut with the other. </span></span><span style="color: #474747; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The judge said guilty in a make believe trial. </span></span><span style="color: #c00000; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Why was it a make believe trial?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Who was this judge?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>King Friday the Thirteenth?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Who was the defense attorney, Winnie the Pooh? Where was the judge with the blood stains on his hands?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would guess that he conducts court that is not just imagined.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: #474747; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;">Slapped the sheriff on the back with a smile and said<br />
Suppers waiting at home and I got to get to it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="color: #c00000; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;">The wise judge spoke in a vernacular that the “big bellied sheriff” could understand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I’m going to eat food, big bellied sheriff.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve to get to it so that I can eat it.” </span></span><span style="color: #474747; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Chorus<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span><span style="color: #c00000; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Yes, repeat the chorus here</span></span><span style="color: #474747; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">They hung </span></span><span style="color: #c00000; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">(I’m still pretty sure it’s hanged, though I think brother might misinterpret this purposely just to flatter himself, particularly when he compares himself to that pencil dick Andy Wolloe)</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: #474747; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;">my brother before I could say<br />
The tracks he saw while on his way<br />
To Andy’s house and back that night were mine</span><span style="color: #c00000; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;">.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Did she get there just a bit too late?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Wait a minute, big bellied Sheriff, the tracks he saw while on his way to Andy’s house were mine!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She is implying that she actually WAS going to say this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Those were not Andy’s footprints.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Andy actually does have really big feet…and everything else.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Cause to tell you the truth; I’ve been with him myself.” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span><span style="color: #474747; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">And his cheatin wife had never left town<br />
and that's one body that’ll never be found<br />
You see little sister don't miss when she aims her gun<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span><span style="color: #c00000; font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">and yes, little sister was apparently left a gun from dear old dad as well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Little sister off’d Wolloe. Her brother, just back from Candletop, gets executed for it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Guy gets screwed over by his wife, his sister, and a backwoods southern lawyer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Though the trial was make believe, his death was very real.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know who said it first, but the term, “Life’s a bitch and then you die” could not be more fitting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Also no word on how long it took Com Ed to restore power in Georgia.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><br />
</div>Mike Toomeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12726387932580513966noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1003858985900972296.post-41402163009712536242011-06-08T22:34:00.000-07:002011-06-08T22:34:22.542-07:00The Worst Joke Ever!<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Jokes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I love ‘em.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Whether it’s from someone’s act or just one of those old “street jokes” we hear from a friend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can surely appreciate a well crafted joke.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That said, I am known to equally hate the bad ones, the poorly constructed, devoid of foundation, hole filled attempts at comedy that make you wonder how this one has survived long enough to reach you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I certainly understand that the ridiculous is often employed when a joke is told and there is certain license allowed for such things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Most of the time, I just move on <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>and hope to never hear them again, but some are so god awful that I just can’t let go. The following is one that I probably heard first when I was in second or third grade, and I thought it was funny at the time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s a sports joke and features the old “insert bad baseball team here” I’m certain it’s been told millions of times using one team or another.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I now wish to pick it apart for your enjoyment as well as my own. I know it’s just a joke, but this crime can no longer go unpunished.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here it is:</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Heard over the public address at Wrigley Field: “Will the lady with the nine lost children please come pick them up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They’re beating the Cubs eleven to nothing.”</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Okay, where to start?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is a lady who brought nine children to Wrigley Field, and she lost them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She lost all of them!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All nine kids!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She must have reported this to someone or the PA announcer would not have known that a “lady” had lost her nine children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now, how much time do you think had passed before these nine kids were discovered on the field playing against the Cubs?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At least long enough for them to rack up eleven runs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These kids got onto the field and played an undetermined period of time against the Cubs and scored eleven times before anyone noticed that this was going on?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Who let them onto the field?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Where was the team that the Cubs were supposed to be playing?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Where were the umpires?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Did they call the balls and strikes?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Did the scoreboard operator record the tallies as these children had their way with the Chicago Cubs?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Did all the kids have gloves?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Did they have bats?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Where did they get bats?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How did the crowd react to this?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why did the Cubs engage these missing children in a game of baseball when they had another game scheduled?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why did this lady bring nine children to a game? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How did they all get away?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All of them!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She wasn’t able to keep even one in sight?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why did it take the PA announcer to call to her attention to the fact that these kids were on the field and beating the Cubs 11-0?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Are they all her kids?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How can a woman stupid enough to lose sight of every one of nine kids afford ten tickets to a major league baseball game?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How did she get these kids to the game?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Did the radio and TV announcers call the play by play?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Did any of them during the broadcast say, “Hey why do you suppose the Cubs are playing against nine children out there instead of the Padres?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At one point did they have to say, “We go now to the bottom of the third.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The missing children six, the Cubs nothing.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Did the Cubs manager have to make calls to the bullpen as these youngsters feasted on Cubs pitching?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Did anyone wonder at anytime during this curious exhibition when the actual game would start?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What would happen if one of the nine kids were to be injured?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Was there another missing child somewhere that could serve as a replacement or would these kids who have built up a healthy lead of eleven runs, have to forfeit?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How horrible for them should that happen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just wonder how this story could be true.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then again, it’s just a joke and yes, the worst joke ever.</span></span></div>Mike Toomeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12726387932580513966noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1003858985900972296.post-63150070334246896032011-05-18T07:18:00.000-07:002011-05-18T07:18:28.110-07:00Michael Jordan's latest wager - By Skip ParkerEveryone's talking Bulls! The most exciting team since the days of Michael Jeffrey Jordan. With that I bring you a guest blogger, Mr. Skip Parker.<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">There are certain things everyone knows about Michael Jordan.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">He is arguably the most gifted athlete to ever participate in professional sports.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">His levels of competitiveness and confidence are unmatched, on and off the court.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">And Michael Jordan LOVES to gamble.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">He loves to bet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He loves to win.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That said, His Airness can’t possibly emerge victorious from what I believe is his latest wager.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’s gambling on his ability, not as an athlete but as a pitchman, a man of influence.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Remember early in his career when Michael found himself staring down premature male pattern baldness?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This was not going to work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Michael Jordan need only look to his own team’s bench at teammate Granville Waiters to know that certainly, that look was not going to fly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Michael Jordan was not about to sport the Danny DeVito, the Larry David or the Mel Cooley, much less the Larry Fine,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>the Anthony Geary “I think I’ll just perm it to create the illusion of fullness” or the Donald Trump “combover” that the ladies love so much. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And don’t even think about the William Shatner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No, Michael Jordan had to truly go where no man had gone before.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Michael Jordan had to blaze his own trail.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How about this?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thought Jordan.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll just shave it all off.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yeah, that’s it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want to be bald!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I like it this way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s better to have no hair.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sure, it’s been tried before, but nobody would ever call Telly Savalas, Curly Neal, or Scatman Corothers, one who sets the standard for hipness. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Michael made the move and lo and behold, it was chic to be hairless.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Men everywhere were busting out the razors, be they balding or not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Michael Jordan made being bald a symbol of that which is cool.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Some twenty five years later, he’s at it again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And this time he’s taken on a Herculean task.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m thinking it went down something like this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After an uninspiring round of golf or game of poker with pals, Jordan put his skills on the line.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“If I can get people to embrace baldness, I can get them to support any fashion style, just by doing it myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Go ahead, name it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anything!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“How about hot pants for men?” thought one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nah, Devo hats?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Too easy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How about tank tops and back hair?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Michael scoffed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That would not even be a challenge.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I’ve got it!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Said Jordan.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A Hitler mustache!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m so influential that I can even get people to don the Nazi cookie duster.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Within days, this will sweep the nation faster than the surfing bird, and Michael Jordan will Hail the victory as they all exclaim “Sieg<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Heil!” ironically transforming air Jordan, the man who redefined baldness, to “Herr Jordan.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Perhaps a Hogan's heroes remake is in the offing, with Jordan as Col Hogan, Scottie Pippen as Newkirk, Dennis Rodman as the always wacky "Andrew Carter, Charles Barkley as Colonel Klink, and Jerry Krause as General Burkhalter. This could be the biggest thing since the Honeymooners starring Cedric the Entertainer! </span>I’ve got a Hanes commercial coming up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll launch the new look there!</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">To Michael’s chagrin, and perhaps our relief, Michael Jordan appears to have lost this one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Since the Hanes ads began a few months back, the Hitler Stache has not caught fire.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Perhaps it’s symbolic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe this new breed of Bull has captured our hearts and our garnered our undivided attention.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Doubtful the Joakim Noah “bun on the top” look will become a sensation anytime soon, but if suddenly Derrek Rose showed up with wooden shoes and a pointy hat, I wouldn’t be surprised to see an entire nation “go Dutch” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">And I wouldn’t bet against it.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’m Skip Parker, and I’m just being frank </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">auf wiedersehen!</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><br />
</div>Mike Toomeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12726387932580513966noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1003858985900972296.post-57175057517271124402011-05-10T07:36:00.001-07:002011-05-10T07:36:24.417-07:00From the Skp Parker Archives<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hcQ4mypyIBU&feature=relmfu">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hcQ4mypyIBU&feature=relmfu</a>Mike Toomeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12726387932580513966noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1003858985900972296.post-12419529762180037112011-04-27T10:17:00.000-07:002011-04-27T10:17:01.604-07:00Everybody Loves a Good Hell Gig!<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:OfficeDocumentSettings> <o:RelyOnVML/> <o:AllowPNG/> </o:OfficeDocumentSettings> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves/> <w:TrackFormatting/> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:DoNotPromoteQF/> <w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> <w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/> <w:DontVertAlignCellWithSp/> <w:DontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/> <w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/> <w:Word11KerningPairs/> <w:CachedColBalance/> </w:Compatibility> <m:mathPr> <m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/> <m:brkBin m:val="before"/> <m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/> <m:smallFrac m:val="off"/> <m:dispDef/> <m:lMargin m:val="0"/> <m:rMargin m:val="0"/> <m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/> <m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/> <m:intLim m:val="subSup"/> <m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/> </m:mathPr></w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Everybody loves a good hell gig. They’re not particularly enjoyable to experience but when it’s over, it’s over. You still get paid and you end up with a great story. Great shows with terrific crowds may be good for the ego, but an evening with flannel clad lumberjack wannabes that hate you is the stuff legendary comedy tales are truly made of. This is one of my favorites.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Wednesday night, I arrive at the Fon Du Lac, Wisconsin Holiday Inn around 7:30. The show is scheduled 8:00. Looks pretty much like every other one-nighter I’ve ever done. I make my way through the lobby to the lounge by following the “Karaoke Tonight” signs. I check in, say hello to my fellow comedian and meet the host for tonight’s festivities. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">“No we don’t usually start ‘til about nine or so.” Says the DJ, and by DJ, I don’t mean the guy from the local radio station who passes out Leinenkugel shirts and “Get ‘er done” beer holders to the patrons who can belch the most letters of the alphabet in proper sequence without breathing. I mean the guy who sits in the booth and pushes the button on the CD player marked “play.” We’ll call him “Dale” </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Dale and I exchange pleasantries. In the course of our talk, I come to find that the real reason anybody is here is for Karaoke. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">“Every Wednesday is Karaoke night. Only we can’t get started ‘til you guys are done.” Dale also informs me that he is, in fact, a Packer fan, as if the pit-stained yellow sweater with the #4 on an embroidered cheddar wedge background didn’t provide me with my first clue to the mystery of his football preference. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">He asks me for some credits to mention in my introduction and he jots them down in his notebook. “Could you also mention that I have a CD available?” </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">“No problem. I’ll keep them in the booth for you.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">It’s about 9:20 and we start the show. The sea of flannel we will call an audience is pounding down their karaoke night beer specials in anticipation of the main event. Dale hits the stage, makes a few announcements and brings up the first comedian. We’ll call him John. John does a commendable job of putting his head down and plowing through while they talk among themselves. It’s not completely horrible. He’s getting through it, though the longer he stays up, the less they listen, and the more intoxicated they become. John senses their waning interest and launches into his closing bit, a deer-hunting piece. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">A stroke of genius! </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">Hit them where they live. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">He manages to leave the stage with a smattering of applause and he lives to see another day.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Dale returns to the stage and informs the unruly bunch that Karaoke time is not here yet, but if they can last through one more guy, we can get the fun started. He introduces me, sans notebook, and forgets my name. I hit the stage at 10:00 and I feel the room take an ugly turn. “Hate him! Hate him! Hate him!” The vibe resonates throughout karaokeland before I’ve even uttered a word. They are not listening, but they do take an occasional moment to blurt their nonsensical musings and sarcastically scream “NO!” in response to my rhetorical questions while on their way to drop their karaoke slips at the booth.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I select a spot on the back wall at which to stare, and deliver the rest of my soliloquy. I exit the stage. We all rejoice! To a man, they hate me. Dale takes the microphone and wraps things up: “How about a nice hand for Chris Mootay! Chris Mootay, everybody! Be sure to get a copy of Chris Mootay’s CD! </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Chris Mootay? I’ve had my name butchered before, but this was the most entertaining of all. Dale retreats to the booth and the love fest of bad singing commences. First up, it’s Connie, with her stirring rendition of Janis Joplin’s “Me and Bobby McGee.” Now, it’s simple. Get paid. Get out. A hotel employee finds me and says, “I’ll be right with you.” I take this moment to head over to Dale at Karaoke Central, get my CD’s, and hit the road. “Thanks Dale, it was fun. I just need to grab those CD’s. Then, horror of horrors, Dale in a fit of spontaneous ass-holery, stops the music, and cuts off Janis Joplin mid song! </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">“Hey everybody, it’s your last chance to get Chris Mootay’s CD! Get the Chris Mootay CD now! A chorus of boos ensues with increasing volume as Janis Joplin flips me the proverbial finger. Before they can draw their hunting rifles, Dale hits the play button, thus restoring harmony. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">Just for the sheer hell of if, I asked, “What’s my name?” </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> “Chris Mootay” he says with conviction. I held up one of the CD’s with my name “Mike Toomey” displayed in bold letters. After taking a beat, to absorb this new information, Dingleberry again reaches for the microphone and yes, stops the music. “I’m sorry everybody, it’s Chris Toomey! Last chance for the Chris Toomey CD!” The Boos are back, only this time with much more fervor. Dipshit re-starts the music yet again. I need to get out, and the only way to reach the exit is to walk past the stage, right in front of Janis where I receive yet another chorus of spastic boos. As the first song ends, I collect my money. Singer number two takes the stage, and as she launches into yes, “Me and Bobby McGee” (I’m not kidding) I head for the door.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;"><br />
</div><span style="color: black; font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">On my way out, I sold one CD.</span>Mike Toomeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12726387932580513966noreply@blogger.com2