Monday, November 28, 2011

The Song Assassin! The Christmas Shoes.

                          The Christmas Shoes
With the holiday season upon us, I thought the assassination of a holiday song would be appropriate.  “The Christmas Shoes” is a contrived, tear jerking ballad about a young boy who, on Christmas Eve, wishes to buy his mother one last pair of shoes.  The song was recorded by the Christian group NewSong in 2000, and in 2002, a made for TV movie adaptation was produced.  It’s entirely fictional.  THIS IS NOT A TRUE STORY!!!
Here’s the link:

It was almost Christmas time so we are somewhere in late Dec.  Ok.
There I stood in another line.  This, to imply that this is not the first line he’s been in today.  This guy is like me.  He waits too long to do his shopping.  He probably, like me, doesn’t go for all that “Black Friday” bullshit.  Getting up at 4am to wrestle with soccer moms over the last IPAD, Smart phone or Call of Duty giftcard.  “I’ll shop on my terms” thought the guy in the song.  Good for him!
Trying to buy that last gift or two look at this guy.  He doesn’t even know how many gifts he’s supposed to get.
Not really in the Christmas mood.  Can’t blame him here either.  You can’t just turn it on like a switch.  Just because “Dolly Parton’s Mountains Christmas” is on ABC Family, doesn’t necessarily mean I’m feeling it.
Standing right in front of me
Was a little boy waiting anxiously
Pacing around like little boys do Maybe he wants to ask the cashier where the bathroom is.
And in his hands he held
A pair of shoes

And his clothes were worn and old
He was dirty from head to toe if this were me, I’d just assume that the young fella was currently appearing in the local community’s rendition of “A Christmas Carol” perhaps they’re giving the shoppers at the mall a sampling of what they’re in for if they attend this holiday favorite.  No kid is really that dirty and disheveled.  This must be “Tiny Tim”
And when it came his time to pay
I couldn't believe what I heard him say

Sir I wanna buy these shoes for my Momma please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry Sir?  Isn’t that something?  Little guy’s on break and instead of heading over to the food court for some Sbarro, this kid’s getting some shoes for his mom.  Wow!  Maybe I am starting to feel it a bit.  I think really it’s probably a combination of Dolly’s Mountains and this young thespian.  Neither one of these alone can get it done, but the combination of the two is starting to move me.
Daddy says there's not much time.  Oh, I see, his dad, the stage father sent him over to pick up the Reeboks.  “Ok Tyler, why don’t you head over to Penney’s and get them shoes.  You don’t have to do your scene again until 6.  Daddy’s gonna head over to Won Ton Express for some free Chicken Teriyaki on a stick.  I’ll do that thing where I pretend that I just might buy some if I try it, but there’s no way in hell I’m really going to. 
You see, she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes will make her smile
and I want her to look beautiful
If Momma meets Jesus, tonight.  If she meets Jesus tonight?  Tell you what, son.  If your mom has been sick for awhile, and it sounds kind of like she’s still sick, then maybe she doesn’t need to see her Hispanic boyfriend tonight.  Maybe she’ll feel better and she can make it up to Jesus (Hay-soos) on New Year’s Eve.

He counted pennies for what seem like years
and cashier says son there's not enough here aren’t you taking this Tiny Tim thing a little too far, kid?  Yeah, maybe a pair of shoes cost three cents in 1843, but times change Timmy.  Times change.
He searched his pockets franticly for what?  The other three pennies he must have lost?  Maybe he was robbed by another anachronistic character.  Maybe it was a 19th century pickpocket with a cockney accent who grabbed everything he had on his left side, but couldn’t get the three pennies on the right.
And he turned and he looked at me ok, here it comes…
He said Momma made Christmas good at our house
though most years she just did without.  Tell me Sir
what am I gonna do?  I don’t know kid but you can start by not talking to strangers.  Didn’t your barefoot mom teach you anything?
Some how I’ve got to buy her these Christmas shoes
They are Christmas shoes?  So do you go out panhandling every holiday for shoes?  Boy, you should see the pumps I got some stranger to buy Mommy last Armistice Day! 

So I laid the money down SUCKER!!!
I just had to help him out
and I'll never forget
the look on his face The look of disbelief when he realized that you had actually bought his story? When he said Momma's gonna look so great.

Repeat God awful chorus

I knew I caught a glimpse of heavens love as he thanked me and ran out. That’s one way to look at it. 
I know that God had sent that little boy to remind me
What Christmas is all about that or you just got ripped off by an eight year old con artist.

Sir I wanna buy these shoes for my Momma please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry Sir?
Daddy says there's not much time
You see she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes will make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful
If Momma meets Jesus tonight
If you really need a pair of shoes that badly, why don’t you just roll dice like everybody else does? (Momma needs a new pair of shoes!)

I want her to look beautiful
If Momma meets Jesus tonight
So the moral here is:  Jesus won’t look too kindly on you if you show up without shoes.  That makes two reasons why David Carridine is probably not in heaven.

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