When a Dick Dies
DING-DONG, THE DICK IS DEAD! Moammar Gadhafi has been taken down! Long time coming, right? Kick ass!!! I am thrilled not only to learn that he’s dead, but to see that people can put death in perspective and view things case by case. Death isn’t always a sad thing, and we aren’t obligated to feel anything but what we naturally feel.
When it was reported back in May that Osama Bin Laden was tracked down and killed, it was the first time I’d ever observed elation over a death. I was thrilled that he was dead, and I was even happier to discover that people were not hiding their joy. People generally feel obligated to show some sort of reverence when somebody bites it. Everyone speaks of what a wonderful person he or she was; how this person was always there to lend a hand, always joyful and full of spirit. It always made me think, “What happens when a dick dies?” You never see the TV interview where neighbors take turns at the TV microphone, “You know, no one around here particularly cared much for Gary.” Gary was a prick! I surely hated that Gary! Gary will not be missed around here. Gary stole my horseshoes! Yes, when the history of Gary is written, it will be well documented that Gary was a cock.”
You’ve heard the phrase a million times, “Why do bad things only happen to good people?” The answer is simple. Because bad things CAN only happen to good people. If it happened to a dick, it wouldn’t be a bad thing, now would it? “Say did you hear about Hitler’s Jet Ski accident? They’re not sure if he’ll make it.” Say, let’s have a luau!
“Well, they executed Gacy last night.” Seriously? See if you can find my pointy hat from New Year’s Eve!
“Boy that was a tough break for Stalin, having that cerebral hemorrhage and all.” Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. Throw on some Kool and the Gang!
I’m not saying we should wish death on anyone for any old reason. We really shouldn’t secretly long for the painful demise of the guy who hit on your girlfriend at that wedding reception back in ‘97. It’s not particularly rational to wish to end the life of the gal at Arby's who wouldn’t honor your expired coupon. And it’s a bit much to anxiously await the day that you can urinate on the grave of the asshole driver who “wouldn’t let you over”
But we certainly don’t have to feel any false sense of respect for someone who deserves none. Bad things CAN only happen to good people, and when they do, it sucks! Far too many decent human beings are taken away long before their time. But dicks die, too!
Maybe I’m a bad guy for even mentioning this. Maybe I’m going to hell for even bringing it up. But, as my friend Jim Higgins used to say, “It’s not like I’m not going to know anybody.”
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