Yes Virginia, There Is A Santa Claus - By Skip Parker


This blog was written in response to a letter written to Skip Parker just before Christmas, 2011. 

"DEAR Skip:  Some people are saying some crazy       things and it's really testing my faith. Please tell me the truth; is there a Santa Claus? "VIRGINIA O'HANLON - "Lombard, Illinois." VIRGINIA, I'm afraid that you, like so many of us have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. Sadly so many of us believe only in what we can see. Yes, VIRGINIA, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity exist; He exists in the kindness of strangers and the       unexpected gifts that life joyfully drops in our laps each day.  Take for instance the maniacal driver who honks furiously and flips us the finger for driving too slowly on a snow covered highway.  As you pass him moments later while his car sits facing the wrong way in a ditch, up       to his windshield in snow, tell me there's no Santa Claus.  How about the rude and impatient shopper who cuts in front of you in line only to find himself stuck behind Estelle Getty with a change purse full of expired coupons, who then attempts to pay with a check from the first national bank of the confederate union... while a new checkout aisle magically opens up for you.  He lives Virgina,  He lives.  Did you ever open your six piece McNuggets and find that inside there were seven?  Santa Claus:  Alive and Well.How about when the obnoxious co-worker gets the promotion that you were hoping for and two months later they eliminate the position and he's gone. What's that?  I think I hear Santa Claus! Remember the pretty cheerleader in high school that wouldn't give you the time of day?   You run in to her at Wal Mart and she's       gained roughly two hundred pounds and in twenty years, has gone from homecoming queen... to homecoming float? Jingle Jingle! I believe that’s Kris Kringle!  Though we may not actually see Santa Claus, it is no sign that he isn't there. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Like the boogey man, the smart aleck youngster that supposedly told Bozo to "cram it" and the kid who lost an eye from someone shooting rubber bands. Santa Claus lives and he lives forever. As sure as the bully who makes fun of the sickly       geek for throwing up in class...then ends up puking himself.  He lives indeed. A thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood and the child in us all.

Ode to Randy Travis:

I'm sure by now we've all heard the story about country music star Randy Travis
and his drunken adventure.  The following parody song, to the tune of Travis' hit
single "I'm Gonna Love You Forever"  is not so much to make fun of him, but to
state the facts of the story to one of his own ditties.

You may think that I'm drunk and foolish. 
Passed OUT naked in my Trans Am. 
But officer please, when the media sees, they won't understand that's just the way that I am. 
I'm just a hillbilly singer.  I don't know when I've had enough. 
If you look you will find, that I drink 'til I'm blind.
and then I write a song that the hillbillies love. (and baby)
I'll be a redneck forever.  Forever and ever, amen. 
I'll get hammered at the bar and when the cops find my car,
I'll threaten to shoot them if they try to run me in. 
You may wonder why I'm such a dumbass. 
I'll be happy to tell you again. 
I'm just a redneck.  A hillbilly redneck. 
Forever and ever....AY-HAY-EE-AY----MEN!

Class of 2012:   SI-LUTE!!!

Over the weekend, I attended the High School graduation of my son Casey. A milestone for him, and for me…another reminder of my rapidly advancing age.  As friends and family packed themselves into the gymnasium for this event, we settled into our seats and anxiously awaited the festivities to come.  I knew that over the next hour or so, my mind would run the gamut of emotions; pride, sadness, elation, etc… I just didn’t think that “pissed off” would be one of them.

I will say that I am overly sensitive to crowds that don’t know how to conduct themselves, but generally those that I occasionally deal with are in places where alcohol plays a prominent role in the behavior of those in attendance.  I don’t like it, but I guess I understand. 

The first to speak was the school’s principal.  It’s early in the game and I’m already set to blow a gasket as the attendees are carrying on their high volume conversations.  Having all too often been on the receiving end of this type of greeting, I find that my patience is already at zero.  “Hey!  There’s a person up there talking!  What the hell is it going to take to get some fucking focus?  What the hell do you have to blab about that’s more important than what’s being said on that platform?  We are here for a graduation, right? Shut your hole and respect the fact that a human being is on that stage because your child/friend/relative/whatever is graduating High School!”

Ok, it quiets down just in time for a very important announcement: “Please hold your applause until all the graduates have been announced, and please refrain from using any loud horn like devices (sad that this even needs to be said) so that each graduate can be given their due respect and that their name can be heard.”

And we’re off.  The names are being called alphabetically and people are relatively quiet.  We’re still in the A’s.  Little by little, the attention challenged contingent starts to break the rules a bit and by the time we’ve reached the D’s, it seems that more than half of the names mentioned are greeted with assorted hoots, hollers and the ever classy imitations of a dog barking.  We get mid alphabet and it’s as if there were no rules at all.  The air horns are now being blown after select mentions.  One in particular so deafening that it actually evoked response from the crowd, yes LAUGHTER!  Huge laughs for this “comical” stunt.

“Aint that hilarious?  Jim Bob done blew a horn when they gradumated the fruit of his loins” YEE-HAH!!!!!!!!!!  Let’s have a hoe down!  I’m might tempted to do a do si do with my sister right here in the gym-nay-zeem!  Get out the white lightnin’ Charlotte, we gonna have a di-ploma in our house!

Where the hell am I, a monster truck rally?  Why is this now acceptable behavior?  How far have we come as a society that a moment of academic fulfillment is rewarded by howling, barking, and fucking air horns?  Not only is it inappropriate, backwoods and embarrassing, IT WAS SPECIFICALLY STATED AT THE OUTSET THAT IT WAS NOT PERMITTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe if Boss Hog had grabbed his bullhorn and let the townfolk know that blowing them there noisemakers would be more welcome than a pig in shit, I’d have no reason to complain, but God Damn it, they asked you to keep it quiet.  How about the family of the kid whose name didn’t get heard because Uncle Vester thought it best to launch his rafter rattling air raid warning loud enough for six counties to hear?  How about them?  Does that kid matter?  I think he does.  I think celebrating is just fine, but my thought would be to wait until you get back to the cabin and then shoot the bottle rocket out of your penis, Buford.   I think they sell dictionaries at the dollar store.  I’d be happy to spring for one.  Then you can look up the words “respect” and “reverence”  

Then again, maybe I’m wrong.  Maybe I need to embrace the direction our society is heading.  Maybe next year, we get Larry The Cable Guy as a keynote speaker.  Maybe the valedictorian can light a fart to signify the start of the battle of the air horns.  This all sounds like fun.  But before we can commence with the commencement, our young uns gots to

GIT ‘R DONE!!!

***this obviously was not intended to offend anyone but the guilty.  You know who you are.

So Long, Carlos.

So Carlos Zambrano is gone.  Traded to the Miami Marlins.  And Cubs fans feel…how???

I’m picking up on a whole lot of “Good Riddance” style comments.  Really?  Maybe we are talking about two different guys, but the Carlos Zambrano I watched for parts of eleven seasons in a Cubs uniform was easily one of my all time favorites.  I was there when Carlos made his big league debut against the Milwaukee Brewers in 2001.  I could see then that he was different, and that he had a true love for the game.  He was young and fired up.  He was impressive.

Carlos Zambrano is a talented pitcher.  Outside of Hall of Famer Fergie Jenkins, and Cooperstown bound Greg Maddux, you’d be hard pressed to find a more effective Cubs pitcher in our lifetime.  His passion for his team, the Chicago Cubs, was unparalleled.  He wanted what we wanted, and he wanted it as badly as we did.  He wanted the Cubs to win.  He was driven and he was honest; honest to a fault.  He didn’t always think before he responded.  He didn’t always take the best approach.  He didn’t always make the right choices and yes, he had a ridiculously bad temper.  But what was it that ignited his fury?  One thing: Cubs losses!  I feel his pain. 
I’ll say this.  At least he cared!  His methods were out of line, no question.  But was he wrong about that which infuriated him?  In an era where baseball players, who are making more money in a month than most of us can imagine in a lifetime can just show up and run through the motions, Carlos Zambrano wanted to earn his keep.  When he didn’t play up to his own standards, he was enraged.  He was mad at himself!  I’m not going

to list his career numbers, but if you doubt for one minute that he was anything less than one of baseball’s best over the last decade, you can look it up.

http://www.baseball-reference.com/players/z/zambrca01.shtml

I do understand that the new regime is moving in a different direction, and I am confident in their abilities.  I guess I’m just having a difficult time understanding  how trading a quality pitcher, who is only 30 years old, and still more than serviceable, for Chris Volstad.  I realize that his salary is hefty, and if this were simply a salary dump, I would find this easier to digest, but to pay virtually all of the money to have him pitch in Miami does not make sense to me in any form.  For the Marlins, it’s a WIN WIN WIN!!!  Zambrano is in the final year of his

contract.  If Miami finds themselves out of the race, Carlos can then become a very attractive trading chip that yields legitimate prospects in return.   Something the non-contending Cubs could use come July.  Why not keep the guy you are paying, and then trade him when he might actually be able to command something significant in return? 

On a personal note, I found Zambrano to be very cordial and accommodating.  Any occasion when I was given the opportunity to speak with him; be it before a game or at the Cubs convention, he was happy to give me a minute or two of his time, when many on the field found my antics to be ridiculous (and for the record, they pretty much are) ran the other way, Carlos not only participated, but understood what we were trying to accomplish,

demonstrated a sense of humor and genuine warmth. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e4_h3VKWVW0 

I wish him well.  He will always be on my roster of all time favorite Cubs.  I refuse to celebrate this in any way shape or form.

I’ll celebrate when the Cubs win.