Class of 2012:   SI-LUTE!!!

Over the weekend, I attended the High School graduation of my son Casey. A milestone for him, and for me…another reminder of my rapidly advancing age.  As friends and family packed themselves into the gymnasium for this event, we settled into our seats and anxiously awaited the festivities to come.  I knew that over the next hour or so, my mind would run the gamut of emotions; pride, sadness, elation, etc… I just didn’t think that “pissed off” would be one of them.

I will say that I am overly sensitive to crowds that don’t know how to conduct themselves, but generally those that I occasionally deal with are in places where alcohol plays a prominent role in the behavior of those in attendance.  I don’t like it, but I guess I understand. 

The first to speak was the school’s principal.  It’s early in the game and I’m already set to blow a gasket as the attendees are carrying on their high volume conversations.  Having all too often been on the receiving end of this type of greeting, I find that my patience is already at zero.  “Hey!  There’s a person up there talking!  What the hell is it going to take to get some fucking focus?  What the hell do you have to blab about that’s more important than what’s being said on that platform?  We are here for a graduation, right? Shut your hole and respect the fact that a human being is on that stage because your child/friend/relative/whatever is graduating High School!”

Ok, it quiets down just in time for a very important announcement: “Please hold your applause until all the graduates have been announced, and please refrain from using any loud horn like devices (sad that this even needs to be said) so that each graduate can be given their due respect and that their name can be heard.”

And we’re off.  The names are being called alphabetically and people are relatively quiet.  We’re still in the A’s.  Little by little, the attention challenged contingent starts to break the rules a bit and by the time we’ve reached the D’s, it seems that more than half of the names mentioned are greeted with assorted hoots, hollers and the ever classy imitations of a dog barking.  We get mid alphabet and it’s as if there were no rules at all.  The air horns are now being blown after select mentions.  One in particular so deafening that it actually evoked response from the crowd, yes LAUGHTER!  Huge laughs for this “comical” stunt.

“Aint that hilarious?  Jim Bob done blew a horn when they gradumated the fruit of his loins” YEE-HAH!!!!!!!!!!  Let’s have a hoe down!  I’m might tempted to do a do si do with my sister right here in the gym-nay-zeem!  Get out the white lightnin’ Charlotte, we gonna have a di-ploma in our house!

Where the hell am I, a monster truck rally?  Why is this now acceptable behavior?  How far have we come as a society that a moment of academic fulfillment is rewarded by howling, barking, and fucking air horns?  Not only is it inappropriate, backwoods and embarrassing, IT WAS SPECIFICALLY STATED AT THE OUTSET THAT IT WAS NOT PERMITTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe if Boss Hog had grabbed his bullhorn and let the townfolk know that blowing them there noisemakers would be more welcome than a pig in shit, I’d have no reason to complain, but God Damn it, they asked you to keep it quiet.  How about the family of the kid whose name didn’t get heard because Uncle Vester thought it best to launch his rafter rattling air raid warning loud enough for six counties to hear?  How about them?  Does that kid matter?  I think he does.  I think celebrating is just fine, but my thought would be to wait until you get back to the cabin and then shoot the bottle rocket out of your penis, Buford.   I think they sell dictionaries at the dollar store.  I’d be happy to spring for one.  Then you can look up the words “respect” and “reverence”  

Then again, maybe I’m wrong.  Maybe I need to embrace the direction our society is heading.  Maybe next year, we get Larry The Cable Guy as a keynote speaker.  Maybe the valedictorian can light a fart to signify the start of the battle of the air horns.  This all sounds like fun.  But before we can commence with the commencement, our young uns gots to

GIT ‘R DONE!!!

***this obviously was not intended to offend anyone but the guilty.  You know who you are.