Class of 2012: SI-LUTE!!!
Over the
weekend, I attended the High School graduation of my son Casey. A milestone for
him, and for me…another reminder of my rapidly advancing age. As friends and family packed themselves into
the gymnasium for this event, we settled into our seats and anxiously awaited
the festivities to come. I knew that
over the next hour or so, my mind would run the gamut of emotions; pride,
sadness, elation, etc… I just didn’t think that “pissed off” would be one of
them.
I will say
that I am overly sensitive to crowds that don’t know how to conduct themselves,
but generally those that I occasionally deal with are in places where alcohol
plays a prominent role in the behavior of those in attendance. I don’t like it, but I guess I
understand.
The first to
speak was the school’s principal. It’s
early in the game and I’m already set to blow a gasket as the attendees are
carrying on their high volume conversations.
Having all too often been on the receiving end of this type of greeting,
I find that my patience is already at zero.
“Hey! There’s a person up there
talking! What the hell is it going to
take to get some fucking focus? What the
hell do you have to blab about that’s more important than what’s being said on
that platform? We are here for a
graduation, right? Shut your hole and respect the fact that a human being is on
that stage because your child/friend/relative/whatever is graduating High
School!”
Ok, it
quiets down just in time for a very important announcement: “Please hold your
applause until all the graduates have been announced, and please refrain from
using any loud horn like devices (sad that this even needs to be said) so that
each graduate can be given their due respect and that their name can be heard.”
And we’re
off. The names are being called
alphabetically and people are relatively quiet.
We’re still in the A’s. Little by
little, the attention challenged contingent starts to break the rules a bit and by
the time we’ve reached the D’s, it seems that more than half of the names
mentioned are greeted with assorted hoots, hollers and the ever classy
imitations of a dog barking. We get mid
alphabet and it’s as if there were no rules at all. The air horns are now being blown after
select mentions. One in particular so deafening
that it actually evoked response from the crowd, yes LAUGHTER! Huge laughs for this “comical” stunt.
“Aint that
hilarious? Jim Bob done blew a horn when
they gradumated the fruit of his loins” YEE-HAH!!!!!!!!!! Let’s have a hoe down! I’m might tempted to do a do si do with my
sister right here in the gym-nay-zeem!
Get out the white lightnin’ Charlotte, we gonna have a di-ploma in our
house!
Where the
hell am I, a monster truck rally? Why is
this now acceptable behavior? How far
have we come as a society that a moment of academic fulfillment is rewarded by
howling, barking, and fucking air horns?
Not only is it inappropriate, backwoods and embarrassing, IT WAS
SPECIFICALLY STATED AT THE OUTSET THAT IT WAS NOT PERMITTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Maybe if
Boss Hog had grabbed his bullhorn and let the townfolk know that blowing them
there noisemakers would be more welcome than a pig in shit, I’d have no reason
to complain, but God Damn it, they asked you to keep it quiet. How about the family of the kid whose name
didn’t get heard because Uncle Vester thought it best to launch his rafter
rattling air raid warning loud enough for six counties to hear? How about them? Does that kid matter? I think he does. I think celebrating is just fine, but my thought
would be to wait until you get back to the cabin and then shoot the bottle
rocket out of your penis, Buford. I
think they sell dictionaries at the dollar store. I’d be happy to spring for one. Then you can look up the words “respect” and “reverence”
Then again,
maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I need to embrace
the direction our society is heading.
Maybe next year, we get Larry The Cable Guy as a keynote speaker. Maybe the valedictorian can light a fart to
signify the start of the battle of the air horns. This all sounds like fun. But before we can commence with the
commencement, our young uns gots to
GIT ‘R
DONE!!!
***this
obviously was not intended to offend anyone but the guilty. You know who you are.