Friday, February 1, 2013

Horse Meat!

                                                                       HORSE MEAT!

Well, by now we've all heard the story of Burger King and horse meat.  If not, here's the story:

The jokes are too easy.  And what better way to commemorate this event than with a song parody?  The song, is taken from the 1973 hit single recorded by Cher entitled "Half Breed"  Here's the video:  just in case you'd like to sing along.
So if you're quite ready, I give you...HORSE MEAT!
Horse Meat
I took my family down to Burger King
I soon found out that they serve everything
The guy in front of me said excuse me please
I’d like to order up a Trigger with cheese.

Horse meat! cook it in a croc pot.
Horse meat! With a side of tater tots. 
Horse meat! you’re sure to get the trots
get them while they’re hot cause they won’t be there fur-long!
The friendly server said “Have it your way”
I checked my order and I said “Neigh neigh”
This isn’t hamburger, for goodness sakes
My whopper junior won the Belmont stakes

Horse meat! Try the filly steak. 
Horse meat! It will make your belly ache
Horse meat! Try a sea biscuit with egg
Take it home and serve it up with Colt 45!
I told them thank you, but I just can’t stay.
Said Hi-O Silver and I turned away.
I lost my appetite, I left unfed.
All I could think about was MR. ED!!!
Horse meat!  I got double crossed.
Horse meat!  cause I gambled and I lost
Horse meat!  topped with horsey sauce.
Horse meat’s down at Burger King so Giddy up go!!!!!!!


Sunday, December 23, 2012

 Yes Virginia, There Is A Santa Claus - By Skip Parker

This blog was written in response to a letter written to Skip Parker just before Christmas, 2011. 

"DEAR Skip:
 Some people are saying some crazy      

things and
it's really testing my faith. Please
tell me the
is there a Santa Claus?
"VIRGINIA O'HANLON - "Lombard, Illinois."

VIRGINIA, I'm afraid that you,

like so many of
us have been affected by the
skepticism of a
skeptical age. Sadly so many
of us believe
only in what we can see.

Yes, VIRGINIA, there is a Santa

Claus. He exists
as certainly as love and generosity
exist; He
exists in the kindness of strangers
and the      
unexpected gifts that life joyfully
drops in our
laps each day.  Take for instance
the maniacal
driver who honks furiously and
flips us the finger
for driving too slowly on a snow
covered highway. 
As you pass him moments later while
his car sits
facing the wrong way in a ditch, up      
to his
windshield in snow, tell me there's
no Santa Claus.  How about the rude
and impatient shopper who cuts
in front of you in line only to find himself
stuck behind Estelle Getty with a
change purse full of expired coupons,
who then attempts to pay with a check from
the first national bank of the confederate
union... while a new checkout aisle
magically opens up for you.  He lives Virgina,
 He lives.  Did you ever open your six piece
McNuggets and find that inside there were seven? 
Santa Claus: 
Alive and Well.How about when the obnoxious
co-worker gets the promotion that you were
hoping for and two months later they eliminate
the position and he's gone. What's that? 
I think I hear Santa Claus!
Remember the pretty cheerleader in high
school that wouldn't give you the time of day? 
 You run in to her at Wal Mart and she's      
gained roughly two hundred pounds and in twenty
years, has gone from homecoming queen...
to homecoming float?
Jingle Jingle! I believe that’s Kris Kringle!

 Though we may not actually see Santa Claus,

it is no sign that he isn't there. The most
real things in the world are those that neither
children nor men can see. Like the boogey man,
the smart aleck youngster that supposedly told
Bozo to "cram it" and the kid who lost an eye
from someone shooting rubber bands.
Santa Claus lives and he lives forever.
As sure
as the bully who makes fun of the sickly      
geek for throwing up in class...then ends up
puking himself.  He lives indeed. A thousand
years from now, he will continue to make glad
the heart of childhood and
the child in us all.


Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Ode to Randy Travis:

I'm sure by now we've all heard the story about country music star Randy Travis
and his drunken adventure.  The following parody song, to the tune of Travis' hit
single "I'm Gonna Love You Forever"  is not so much to make fun of him, but to
state the facts of the story to one of his own ditties.

You may think that I'm drunk and foolish. 
Passed OUT naked in my Trans Am. 
But officer please, when the media sees, they won't understand that's just the way that I am. 
I'm just a hillbilly singer.  I don't know when I've had enough. 
If you look you will find, that I drink 'til I'm blind.
and then I write a song that the hillbillies love. (and baby)
I'll be a redneck forever.  Forever and ever, amen. 
I'll get hammered at the bar and when the cops find my car,
I'll threaten to shoot them if they try to run me in. 
You may wonder why I'm such a dumbass. 
I'll be happy to tell you again. 
I'm just a redneck.  A hillbilly redneck. 
Forever and ever....AY-HAY-EE-AY----MEN!

Monday, June 4, 2012

Class of 2012:   SI-LUTE!!!

Over the weekend, I attended the High School graduation of my son Casey. A milestone for him, and for me…another reminder of my rapidly advancing age.  As friends and family packed themselves into the gymnasium for this event, we settled into our seats and anxiously awaited the festivities to come.  I knew that over the next hour or so, my mind would run the gamut of emotions; pride, sadness, elation, etc… I just didn’t think that “pissed off” would be one of them.

I will say that I am overly sensitive to crowds that don’t know how to conduct themselves, but generally those that I occasionally deal with are in places where alcohol plays a prominent role in the behavior of those in attendance.  I don’t like it, but I guess I understand. 

The first to speak was the school’s principal.  It’s early in the game and I’m already set to blow a gasket as the attendees are carrying on their high volume conversations.  Having all too often been on the receiving end of this type of greeting, I find that my patience is already at zero.  “Hey!  There’s a person up there talking!  What the hell is it going to take to get some fucking focus?  What the hell do you have to blab about that’s more important than what’s being said on that platform?  We are here for a graduation, right? Shut your hole and respect the fact that a human being is on that stage because your child/friend/relative/whatever is graduating High School!”

Ok, it quiets down just in time for a very important announcement: “Please hold your applause until all the graduates have been announced, and please refrain from using any loud horn like devices (sad that this even needs to be said) so that each graduate can be given their due respect and that their name can be heard.”

And we’re off.  The names are being called alphabetically and people are relatively quiet.  We’re still in the A’s.  Little by little, the attention challenged contingent starts to break the rules a bit and by the time we’ve reached the D’s, it seems that more than half of the names mentioned are greeted with assorted hoots, hollers and the ever classy imitations of a dog barking.  We get mid alphabet and it’s as if there were no rules at all.  The air horns are now being blown after select mentions.  One in particular so deafening that it actually evoked response from the crowd, yes LAUGHTER!  Huge laughs for this “comical” stunt.

“Aint that hilarious?  Jim Bob done blew a horn when they gradumated the fruit of his loins” YEE-HAH!!!!!!!!!!  Let’s have a hoe down!  I’m might tempted to do a do si do with my sister right here in the gym-nay-zeem!  Get out the white lightnin’ Charlotte, we gonna have a di-ploma in our house!

Where the hell am I, a monster truck rally?  Why is this now acceptable behavior?  How far have we come as a society that a moment of academic fulfillment is rewarded by howling, barking, and fucking air horns?  Not only is it inappropriate, backwoods and embarrassing, IT WAS SPECIFICALLY STATED AT THE OUTSET THAT IT WAS NOT PERMITTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe if Boss Hog had grabbed his bullhorn and let the townfolk know that blowing them there noisemakers would be more welcome than a pig in shit, I’d have no reason to complain, but God Damn it, they asked you to keep it quiet.  How about the family of the kid whose name didn’t get heard because Uncle Vester thought it best to launch his rafter rattling air raid warning loud enough for six counties to hear?  How about them?  Does that kid matter?  I think he does.  I think celebrating is just fine, but my thought would be to wait until you get back to the cabin and then shoot the bottle rocket out of your penis, Buford.   I think they sell dictionaries at the dollar store.  I’d be happy to spring for one.  Then you can look up the words “respect” and “reverence”  

Then again, maybe I’m wrong.  Maybe I need to embrace the direction our society is heading.  Maybe next year, we get Larry The Cable Guy as a keynote speaker.  Maybe the valedictorian can light a fart to signify the start of the battle of the air horns.  This all sounds like fun.  But before we can commence with the commencement, our young uns gots to


***this obviously was not intended to offend anyone but the guilty.  You know who you are.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

So Long, Carlos.

So Carlos Zambrano is gone.  Traded to the Miami Marlins.  And Cubs fans feel…how???
I’m picking up on a whole lot of “Good Riddance” style comments.  Really?  Maybe we are talking about two different guys, but the Carlos Zambrano I watched for parts of eleven seasons in a Cubs uniform was easily one of my all time favorites.  I was there when Carlos made his big league debut against the Milwaukee Brewers in 2001.  I could see then that he was different, and that he had a true love for the game.  He was young and fired up.  He was impressive.
Carlos Zambrano is a talented pitcher.  Outside of Hall of Famer Fergie Jenkins, and Cooperstown bound Greg Maddux, you’d be hard pressed to find a more effective Cubs pitcher in our lifetime.  His passion for his team, the Chicago Cubs, was unparalleled.  He wanted what we wanted, and he wanted it as badly as we did.  He wanted the Cubs to win.  He was driven and he was honest; honest to a fault.  He didn’t always think before he responded.  He didn’t always take the best approach.  He didn’t always make the right choices and yes, he had a ridiculously bad temper.  But what was it that ignited his fury?  One thing: Cubs losses!  I feel his pain. 
I’ll say this.  At least he cared!  His methods were out of line, no question.  But was he wrong about that which infuriated him?  In an era where baseball players, who are making more money in a month than most of us can imagine in a lifetime can just show up and run through the motions, Carlos Zambrano wanted to earn his keep.  When he didn’t play up to his own standards, he was enraged.  He was mad at himself!  I’m not going
to list his career numbers, but if you doubt for one minute that he was anything less than one of baseball’s best over the last decade, you can look it up.
I do understand that the new regime is moving in a different direction, and I am confident in their abilities.  I guess I’m just having a difficult time understanding  how trading a quality pitcher, who is only 30 years old, and still more than serviceable, for Chris Volstad.  I realize that his salary is hefty, and if this were simply a salary dump, I would find this easier to digest, but to pay virtually all of the money to have him pitch in Miami does not make sense to me in any form.  For the Marlins, it’s a WIN WIN WIN!!!  Zambrano is in the final year of his
contract.  If Miami finds themselves out of the race, Carlos can then become a very attractive trading chip that yields legitimate prospects in return.   Something the non-contending Cubs could use come July.  Why not keep the guy you are paying, and then trade him when he might actually be able to command something significant in return? 
On a personal note, I found Zambrano to be very cordial and accommodating.  Any occasion when I was given the opportunity to speak with him; be it before a game or at the Cubs convention, he was happy to give me a minute or two of his time, when many on the field found my antics to be ridiculous (and for the record, they pretty much are) ran the other way, Carlos not only participated, but understood what we were trying to accomplish,
demonstrated a sense of humor and genuine warmth. 
I wish him well.  He will always be on my roster of all time favorite Cubs.  I refuse to celebrate this in any way shape or form.
I’ll celebrate when the Cubs win. 

Monday, November 28, 2011

The Song Assassin! The Christmas Shoes.

                          The Christmas Shoes
With the holiday season upon us, I thought the assassination of a holiday song would be appropriate.  “The Christmas Shoes” is a contrived, tear jerking ballad about a young boy who, on Christmas Eve, wishes to buy his mother one last pair of shoes.  The song was recorded by the Christian group NewSong in 2000, and in 2002, a made for TV movie adaptation was produced.  It’s entirely fictional.  THIS IS NOT A TRUE STORY!!!
Here’s the link:

It was almost Christmas time so we are somewhere in late Dec.  Ok.
There I stood in another line.  This, to imply that this is not the first line he’s been in today.  This guy is like me.  He waits too long to do his shopping.  He probably, like me, doesn’t go for all that “Black Friday” bullshit.  Getting up at 4am to wrestle with soccer moms over the last IPAD, Smart phone or Call of Duty giftcard.  “I’ll shop on my terms” thought the guy in the song.  Good for him!
Trying to buy that last gift or two look at this guy.  He doesn’t even know how many gifts he’s supposed to get.
Not really in the Christmas mood.  Can’t blame him here either.  You can’t just turn it on like a switch.  Just because “Dolly Parton’s Mountains Christmas” is on ABC Family, doesn’t necessarily mean I’m feeling it.
Standing right in front of me
Was a little boy waiting anxiously
Pacing around like little boys do Maybe he wants to ask the cashier where the bathroom is.
And in his hands he held
A pair of shoes

And his clothes were worn and old
He was dirty from head to toe if this were me, I’d just assume that the young fella was currently appearing in the local community’s rendition of “A Christmas Carol” perhaps they’re giving the shoppers at the mall a sampling of what they’re in for if they attend this holiday favorite.  No kid is really that dirty and disheveled.  This must be “Tiny Tim”
And when it came his time to pay
I couldn't believe what I heard him say

Sir I wanna buy these shoes for my Momma please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry Sir?  Isn’t that something?  Little guy’s on break and instead of heading over to the food court for some Sbarro, this kid’s getting some shoes for his mom.  Wow!  Maybe I am starting to feel it a bit.  I think really it’s probably a combination of Dolly’s Mountains and this young thespian.  Neither one of these alone can get it done, but the combination of the two is starting to move me.
Daddy says there's not much time.  Oh, I see, his dad, the stage father sent him over to pick up the Reeboks.  “Ok Tyler, why don’t you head over to Penney’s and get them shoes.  You don’t have to do your scene again until 6.  Daddy’s gonna head over to Won Ton Express for some free Chicken Teriyaki on a stick.  I’ll do that thing where I pretend that I just might buy some if I try it, but there’s no way in hell I’m really going to. 
You see, she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes will make her smile
and I want her to look beautiful
If Momma meets Jesus, tonight.  If she meets Jesus tonight?  Tell you what, son.  If your mom has been sick for awhile, and it sounds kind of like she’s still sick, then maybe she doesn’t need to see her Hispanic boyfriend tonight.  Maybe she’ll feel better and she can make it up to Jesus (Hay-soos) on New Year’s Eve.

He counted pennies for what seem like years
and cashier says son there's not enough here aren’t you taking this Tiny Tim thing a little too far, kid?  Yeah, maybe a pair of shoes cost three cents in 1843, but times change Timmy.  Times change.
He searched his pockets franticly for what?  The other three pennies he must have lost?  Maybe he was robbed by another anachronistic character.  Maybe it was a 19th century pickpocket with a cockney accent who grabbed everything he had on his left side, but couldn’t get the three pennies on the right.
And he turned and he looked at me ok, here it comes…
He said Momma made Christmas good at our house
though most years she just did without.  Tell me Sir
what am I gonna do?  I don’t know kid but you can start by not talking to strangers.  Didn’t your barefoot mom teach you anything?
Some how I’ve got to buy her these Christmas shoes
They are Christmas shoes?  So do you go out panhandling every holiday for shoes?  Boy, you should see the pumps I got some stranger to buy Mommy last Armistice Day! 

So I laid the money down SUCKER!!!
I just had to help him out
and I'll never forget
the look on his face The look of disbelief when he realized that you had actually bought his story? When he said Momma's gonna look so great.

Repeat God awful chorus

I knew I caught a glimpse of heavens love as he thanked me and ran out. That’s one way to look at it. 
I know that God had sent that little boy to remind me
What Christmas is all about that or you just got ripped off by an eight year old con artist.

Sir I wanna buy these shoes for my Momma please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry Sir?
Daddy says there's not much time
You see she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes will make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful
If Momma meets Jesus tonight
If you really need a pair of shoes that badly, why don’t you just roll dice like everybody else does? (Momma needs a new pair of shoes!)

I want her to look beautiful
If Momma meets Jesus tonight
So the moral here is:  Jesus won’t look too kindly on you if you show up without shoes.  That makes two reasons why David Carridine is probably not in heaven.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Greg Smith: Behind The Scenes

                  Greg Smith:  Behind The Scenes
With Halloween almost here, I find myself excited about the prospect of portraying one of my favorite characters. 
Here is one of my most enjoyable and memorable Greg Smith pieces, though it is a lesser seen bit: 
This one was not as well received as the previous Greg appearance, but to me it was as much fun to shoot and edit as anything I’ve ever done (and not just because I got to share a coffin with April Rose).  So much goes into something like this, and the behind the scenes moments are unforgettable. Sometimes the unexpected happens and in my opinion, the funniest stuff ends up on the cutting room floor. 
We set up the visit first by calling the casket store.  Bill, the gentleman who appears in the video was fine with having us come and shoot our “little sketch” there and even willing to appear in it.  We arrive, I start with my makeup, cameraman Steve Scheuer sets up and my friend Jeff Hoover cases the joint to look for what gags we might be able to pull off.  Bill is very cordial and helpful and answers all of our questions.  “How often do people come in to look at caskets?” we asked him.  “Not often” says Bill, which makes sense as this is a bit of a specialty type outlet.  He told us that at times, he would just sit there for hours and even days before someone would come in.  “They never drive over and stop in?”  “Not since I’ve been here.” Says Bill.  It’s now pretty much just and appointment only type of thing.  This made me feel better.  Imagine the feeling should some grief stricken relative of a recently deceased stop in looking for just the right coffin while I’m decked out like Bela Lugosi on a bender.
I finish with probably the worst makeup job on record; I’ve got the blood on my mouth, a widow’s peak and bow tie, I slip into my cape and walk to the front.  The timing could not have been more perfect as I get to the reception desk just as a CUSTOMER enters the store.  Our eyes meet.  Nothing is said (though I did consider asking “May I help you?”) A momentary pause takes place which seems to last for an eternity.   I do the awkward move where you hold up the index finger as if to say, “just a minute” and I retreat to the back room, “Uh, Bill…you have a customer.”  Steve, Jeff, April and I all stare at each other in shock.  Nobody wants to laugh, but come on!  How nuts is this? I must admit a chuckle did escape as I tried to put a serious face on top of the ridiculous face I’d just assembled on top of my own.  Now it’s one of those moments where you know you shouldn’t laugh but the harder you try not to, the harder it becomes.  How horrible! 
The laughs subsided eventually.  I believe Bill got the sale, and I am happy to report that the customer did have a sense of humor about the whole thing.  Before he left, he asked jokingly, “Hey where did Dracula go?”  Who knows, maybe it gave him a brief moment to smile on one of the worst days of his life… And believing that makes me sleep better at night whether it’s true or not.
Despite the bump in the road, we finished the shoot.  The piece ran once, but like the creature of the night that is Greg Smith, it will live forever!!! (Thanks YouTube).
…and I’m still waiting for my commission.